Expecting
by Shunyata Ryuen
Summary: After insulting the wrong woman in a bar, Tasuki is given a lesson on women's lot he isn't likely to forget... [Complete]
1. Saké and Sorceresses

**Disclaimer:** No ownership claimed, no money gained.

**Summary:** After insulting the wrong woman in a bar, Tasuki is given a lesson on women's lot he isn't likely to forget… Rated PG-13 / "T" for Tasuki language and eventual violence and adult situations.

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_This story is dedicated to Roku Kyu, without whom none of this would've been possible. Not only has she been endlessly encouraging (sometimes threateningly so :P) towards my work on this story, but her talents for plot, dialogue, and writing in general were vital to the successful completion of this and many other chapters. So this one's for you, Roku. …about damn time, huh?_

_And now, without further ado, I hereby present…

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**E X P E C T I N G**

-1-

Now, it ain't like I hate women or somethin'. I don't _hate_ 'em. They're just not my favorite people, ya know? When I'm sittin' in a tavern, gettin' all nice and drunk an' mindin' my own business, the last thing I fucking want is for some woman to sit down next to me and start yappin'.

I don't think that's unreasonable. Saké time is _my_ time, you know? Stick a woman in the mix and it's _her_ time, and I gotta sit there and listen to her yap 'til she either figures out I'm not interested and goes away, or else 'til I drink enough that what she's sayin' actually starts to get interesting.

Okay, so this one night, I was doin' exactly what I was just talkin' about—sittin' in this crummy tavern a couple streets down from the palace, drinkin' saké and tryin' not to think too much. Not about anythin' in particular. An' 'specially not about some stupid-ass flute-playin' kid disappearin' into muddy swirlin' water, his face still all calm an' peaceful even though the river was suckin' him under, swallowin' him up, the water flowin' into his nose, his ears, his mouth…

I shuddered and took another slug of saké. It was like fire goin' down, burnin' through that weird tightness in my throat an' makin' everything all warm an' hazy, 'til even the sound of rushing water faded away.

Yeah, that was better.

I was just liftin' the glass for another sip when this woman came an' sat herself down next to me.

Just what I fucking needed. Ya know, guys came to bars to get _away_ from women, not to have 'em hangin' all over 'em when they were just tryin' to find some peace an'--

Oh, shit, wait a minute. I knew her. Fuck! It was that woman I saw when I was comin' in, the one who was havin' some stupid shouting match with this dumbshit bastard an' his wife. I didn't know what the fuck they'd been arguin' about an' I didn't care; I'd gotten the hell away from 'em as quick I could, grabbin' the table way on the other side of the bar so I wouldn't hafta listen to 'em bitch each other out.

Now the asshole an' his wife were gone--I had a vague memory of seein' 'em stomp out sometime between my fourth an' fifth saké--an' now that we were finally gettin' some peace an' quiet, here was this woman, parkin' her ass in my territory.

I shot her a look, wonderin' what the hell she thought she was doin'--but she looked just as surprised to see me as I was to see her. Guess she thought the dark table in the corner was empty. Think again, lady.

Anyway, so I figured now that she saw me there, sittin' in the near-dark an' clearly wantin' to be alone, she'd get the message an' find someplace else to sit. Ya'd think, right?

Instead, she turned this nasty glare on me. "If you don't mind," she said in this chilly voice, "I'd like to be alone."

The fuck?

"I ain't stoppin' ya, lady," I said, an' was real proud I was hardly slurrin' at all. "You wanna be alone, you can get the fuck away from my table."

"_Your_ table," she spat. "And would you mind telling me just what it is that makes it _your_ table? Do you own it? Or are you entitled to it just because you're a _man_, the gods' gift to existence?"

Okay, I mighta been a little fuzzy before, but now I was gettin' pissed off. I mean, I got a right to defend my territory. I got a right to do whatever I hafta to protect what's mine, even if it means fightin' some two-faced bastard who pretended to be a friend, somebody I'd shared some good times an' some laughs with. I did what I had to, dammit, an' if he fell in a river an' died, that was just too damn bad! I didn't feel bad about it at all--an' to prove that I didn't, I swallowed the lump in my throat an' went back to defendin' what was mine.

"Lady, it's this simple. I got here first, so this is my table. Ya don't like it, get the fuck out."

She shook her head, her lip curlin' up into this nasty snarl. "Always the same! It really doesn't matter to you, does it? You don't give a damn what the consequences are, or who's hurt by what you do! To you it's all perfectly acceptable, because you're a _man_ and you must claim your rights of possession, even if it costs a life!"

I jumped. That hit too close to home—was she readin' my thoughts or somethin'? I took my first real good look at her, squintin' my eyes so they'd focus in the dim light.

She had this snaky black hair, all mussed up like she'd been on a galloping horse for the last couple hours. Her eyes were narrowed like she was lookin' into the distance, the dark circles underneath makin' 'em look overbright an' a little wild. Her hands kept clutchin' at each other while she muttered somethin' to herself under her breath--an' suddenly I realized that she looked like some kinda witch or somethin.'

Or maybe another fuckin' Kutou spy, droppin' in to fuck with our lives again. An' ya know somethin'? I'd had enough. I wasn't gonna take any more shit from anybody.

"Yeah, I'm a man, an' yeah, I'm gonna claim my rights. I don't give a shit about anybody who puts his life between me and what's mine to defend—an' if you don't like it, then go bitch to the asshole in charge."

I was talkin' about the barkeep to tell the truth, but she took it different.

"Right," she said, and lost her angry snarl, her mouth twistin' into a defeated kind of bitterness. "So who is the higher authority? Who is going to hear my cause? The Emperor? Our patron god? They're just as male as the rest of you. For heavens' sake, even the Suzaku Shichiseishi are all men!"

Even through the sake, I finally realized that she didn't have nothin' to do with Nakago or any of those Kutou shitheads. She had some other problem, prob'ley a boyfriend or maybe one of those stupid love triangle things. Yeah, that was prob'ley it, judgin' from the drama she was takin' part in earlier.

Anyway, so since she'd already screwed up my solitude, I figured what the hell, might as well talk to her. Who knew, maybe she'd even keep my mind offa shit.

"Of _course_ the Suzaku seishi are all men," I said, bein' almost friendly now, leanin' back in my chair all chatty an' shit. "Protectin' the miko ain't easy. It's dangerous work."

She just looked at me for a sec. Then her eyes got real narrow. "Are you suggesting that women can't handle dangerous situations?"

I shrugged and downed the last of the saké. "I guess they could handle 'em if they had to. I mean, anything's possible. Like that dog a couple towns over that pulled all those people outta that burning house. He went right inta danger and came out okay, but ya think Suzaku's gonna start makin' dogs inta seishi now or somethin'?" I couldn't help laughin' at that, and it was a couple seconds before I figured out I was laughin' alone.

"Look," I continued, 'cause she was starin' at me like she thought she could glare a hole through the side of my head, "it ain't that I got somethin' against women. I don't. But ya gotta think practically. How's a woman gonna be dependable in battle when she's gotta look after the kids? I mean, her mind'd be stuck on what her kids were up to the whole time, and if she didn't have any yet…well, what the hell'd happen if she got one, huh? Ya think she's gonna be able to fight anybody like that? Hell, no. She'd be lucky if she could get outta fucking bed, let alone protect the miko. But with men, ya don't have that problem, so _that's_ why the seishi're all men." I rubbed my arms, shivering a little. "Hey, did it get really fucking cold in here all of a sudden?"

I looked over at her--and realized she was givin' me the glare of death, like I'd insulted her or somethin.'

Oh. Maybe she thought I was puttin' women down. I hadda set her straight.

"Look, I'm not sayin' that a woman's _s'posed_ to be able to do anything when she's pregnant. That's her man's job, to protect her an' the baby. She don't hafta do nothin' 'cept put her feet up, relax, and wait for the kid to come out."

"Is that so?" Her voice was light and friendly, but she had this weird glint in her eyes. Whatever. "So what about a pregnant woman who doesn't have a man to do the work for her?'

I leaned forward, tappin' the side of my nose knowledgeably. "Now I'm with ya on that. That's a real problem for the poor girl. It'd almost be better if the gods made it so that men carried the babies. At least they'd be able to defend the little shits. Like I said, a man defends what's his." I took another swallow of saké and grimaced. "Not that I'd wanna live in a world like that, but--"

"No, I think you might be right!" Her eyes were almost feverish with excitement now. "It could work," she muttered to herself. "It would be risky, but…if only for a little…it just might…"

Okay, I could see she was doin' her crazy lady bit again--an' I was startin' to get a headache, so I figured it was time to make my usual graceful exit. "Look," I said, real friendly. "You wanted the table, it's yours. I gotta go."

I got up off my chair and started for the door, but I didn't get more'n a few steps before she reached out an' laid her hands on my stomach, just for a second. I jumped back, swearin' and this close to reachin' for my tessen—I mean, shit, ya don't go coppin' a feel of a guy just 'cause he spent a few minutes' chattin' with ya. It don't mean he's fuckin' _interested!_

I spun back around to give her hell for it--an' right hand up to Suzaku, she was _gone_. Not a sign of her, like she fucking disappeared or somethin'.

Weird shit.

Anyway, so I tried not to think about her too much after that. I headed back to the palace and thought I'd maybe see if Nuriko or somebody was up for raidin' the Imperial wine cellar, but I stopped off at my chambers first. Sounds weird, but I was feelin' kinda…dirty, almost, after that damned woman stuck her hands on me, so I thought maybe I'd change my clothes before I headed out again.

It was right about then when things started goin' to hell.

I was standin' there by the closet, tryin' to get my shirt off—it was suddenly on a little too tight, which seemed kinda funny since it'd been fine when I put it on in the morning—and while I was wrestling with it, my hand brushed against my stomach…and somethin' there was _very_ wrong. It was kinda…kinda swollen, and when I stuck my hands on it, it was like there was somethin' _in_ there, somethin' that really fucking wasn't supposed to be there.

So, you know, I did what any brave warrior of Suzaku would do.

"CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHIIIIIIIIIRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

_Poof_. Suddenly the guy was standin' right there in front of me, his mask off, blinking at me like he'd just got out of bed. And since he was standin' there with nothing on but an old pair of pants, I figured that's exactly where he'd been.

"Tasuki?" he said, lookin' around my room like he was gonna find a Kutou spy or somethin' skulkin' in the shadows. "What's wrong, no da?" And then he really looked at me for the first time, and his eye got real wide. "Tasuki, what—"

"I don't fucking know!" I barked. "Just get it outta me, will ya? Whatever the hell it is, however the hell that damned woman put it there, just get it outta me!"

He frowned at me. "What woman?"

"Iunno, some woman in a bar. Sat down next to me and went off on all this stuff against me and men and Suzaku, and then she put her damn hands on me and…does this really fucking matter? She was some kinda sorceress or somethin' and she put somethin' _in_ me; now I'm tellin' you right now, either ya get it outta me or I'm gonna take a fucking knife to it! I mean it!"

"All right," Chichiri said, all calm even though he was still frowning at me. "Sit down and I'll see what I can do, no da."

I grumbled a little but did what he said, sittin' down on the edge of the bed. He followed me and knelt down on the floor, then reached up like he was gonna lift my shirt up.

"I can do it," I muttered, and wrestled the shirt up over my head. Once it was off, I couldn't put off lookin' at my stomach anymore, and what I saw there just about made me sick. It'd only been maybe two minutes since I'd looked at it before, but it'd gotten _bigger_ since then; it was bulgin' out real bad now, all round and big like a fucking beer gut or something—only it was too big for a beer gut, and I was startin' to get really damned scared about what it _did_ look like.

Chichiri, meanwhile, put his hands on my stomach and closed his eye, lookin' like he was concentrating real hard. Gettin' rid of whatever it was, I hoped. Finally, after a couple seconds of him sittin' there and me tryin' not to get too impatient, he pulled his hands back and opened his eye.

"Well?" I said, pretty confused by the weird look on his face. "Izzit gone?"

"No, it's not gone."

"WHAT? I thought you were gonna get rid of it!"

"Tasuki," Chichiri said, real serious, "there's something you need to know."

"The only thing I need to know is how long it's gonna take you to get rid of it!"

"I…I'm not sure that I _should_ get rid of it."

"That better be a fucking joke."

"Tasuki…"

But before he could get any further than that, the door flew open and there was _Nuriko_, wearin' that damned nightgown of his and lookin' ready for a fight. He just stood there for a couple seconds, breathin' hard and glancin' around the room, and then he seemed to get that nobody was attacking and put down his fists.

"What's going on? I heard a scream."

"I didn't _scream_," I growled, wishing I'd kept my shirt on. "I yelled. There's a fucking difference."

Coming a little farther into the room, Nuriko all of a sudden frowned at me. "Ne, what's wrong with your stomach?"

I grabbed a pillow off the bed and stuck it in front of me. "Nothin'."

Chichiri sighed. "Close the door, Nuriko."

Nuriko did what he said, and when the door was closed, Chichiri motioned for him to sit down on the bed. He did, givin' me and my pillow weird looks the whole time, and then Chichiri crossed his arms and spent a little while lookin' like he was trying to figure out how to say somethin'. Meanwhile, I was gettin pretty fucking impatient. I mean, here I was, stuck with some damn spell on me that might be eatin' up my insides, and Chichiri wanted to sit around and _chat_.

Finally, he took a deep breath and looked at me. "Listen, Tasuki, there's no easy way to tell you this."

My eyes went wide. Oh, shit, that didn't sound good. "What're ya sayin', 'Chiri?" I asked a little shakily.

"We'll need to consult Mitsukake about this to be sure, but…even if I could get rid of what's inside you, I don't think I should."

Nuriko gave a surprised cough. "What's _inside_ him?"

"Hai. Apparently Tasuki met a sorceress in a bar tonight, and she placed some sort of spell on him."

"A spell to put something _in_ him?" Nuriko said incredulously. "Why would anyone do that?"

"Hard to say, no da. Though Tasuki did say that she was apparently speaking out against Suzaku before casting the spell, so perhaps she was an agent of Kutou, or possibly—"

"IUNCARE WHERE SHE FUCKING CAME FROM!" I roared, gettin' the feeling I was being forgotten. "I just wanna know what she did to me! C'mon, 'Chiri, what're ya tellin' me here? "

Chichiri looked me straight in the eye. "I'm telling you that you're pregnant, no da."

I blinked.

And then I laughed, though it came out sounding kinda shaky. "Real funny. Now seriously, what's wrong with me?"

"I'm entirely serious. Whatever spell was cast on you, it altered your physiology enough to enable you to bear children. You're pregnant."

"STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT! I ain't pregnant. _Women_ get pregnant. I'm a fucking _guy!_"

Nuriko put a finger to his lips. "Ano…what do you mean, altered his physiology?"

My eyes got really wide. "Oh, shit. What _does_ that mean? Huh? 'Chiri?"

"Tasuki," Chichiri said patiently, "you're pregnant. You know that wouldn't be possible if there hadn't been certain…changes made to your body to accommodate it, no da."

"_Changes?_" I squeaked.

I should look, I thought. See how bad it was. See if…if anything was…missing. But instead I fell back on the bed and closed my eyes.

"This is like a fucking nightmare," I moaned. "I need a drink."

Nuriko smacked me on the side of the head.

"OWW! What the hell'd you do that for?"

"Baaaaaaka. You can't drink. You're—" He cleared his throat. "—_expecting_ now, and alcohol isn't good for the baby."

I looked over at Chichiri, but he just gave me a sad kind of nod.

No alcohol. And a…a baby, growing inside of me, wanting to come _out_ eventually…

"I'm goin' to sleep," I mumbled, pressing the pillow over my face. "And when I wake up, this is all gonna be a bad dream."

"I realize this is difficult to accept, no da…"

"No, it's not, 'cause I'm not accepting it. I can't have a fucking _baby_. It's crazy."

"So is Miaka eating all that food and not getting fat, but _that's_ true," Nuriko offered.

I scowled, even though he couldn't see my face under the pillow. "You're not helpin'."

"Tasuki," Chichiri said, and he sounded so fucking patient I wanted to hit him, "this isn't going to go away just because you want it to. You really need to see Mitsukake about it, no da."

I was startin' to feel a little light-headed, so I pulled the pillow off my face and sat up—which took a lot more effort than it should've. "Hell no. Nobody else finds out about this, you understand? _Nobody_."

Nuriko raised an eyebrow. "What are you going to tell them? That you just suddenly put on a lot of weight?"

"I'm not gonna tell 'em anything. I'm gonna stay here in my room 'til this thing goes away, and you can tell 'em that I'm…that I'm sick. I don't want none of them findin' out about this, got it, Nuriko?"

"I think they might figure it out when you go into labor in a couple months."

"I'm not goin' into fucking la-- _Months?_"

"You didn't think babies just popped out after a couple days, did you? It takes time."

"But _months?_ I can't fucking sit here for _months!"_

"Actually," Chichiri said, " at the rate this pregnancy is progressing, I would guess it won't take anywhere near as long as a natural pregnancy."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "There," I said to Nuriko, "ya see?"

"It's far more likely that Tasuki will go into labor sometime over the next few days, no da."

"NEXT FEW DAYS? Are you fucking telling me that I'm gonna have ta push out some damned little brat in a couple'a _days?_"

"I'd say that at this rate, it's extremely likely, no da." I suddenly got the impression that Chichiri was starin' right through me, and couldn't help squirmin' a little bit. "We can take you to Mitsukake in the morning to see if he has a different opinion, no da."

I crossed my arms and wished like hell for a drink. "Yeah, arright," I grumbled.

Chichiri nodded, and I gave him my best scowl. Fucking know-it-all. "Nuriko and I will leave you, then, no da. Get some rest. I'll be by first thing tomorrow morning to—"

"Yeah, yeah, to take me to see Mits; I get it."

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After Chichiri and Nuriko cleared out, I lay there on my bed for awhile, starin' at the ceiling and wondering how the hell things had gone so wrong. Then I got up, put on a shirt and a heavy overcoat and headed outside. Lyin' there whining wasn't gonna do a damned thing, after all; what this situation called for was some _action_. She might be a fucking sorceress, but I was gonna track her down if it was the last thing I did. There ain't much I can't do when I'm motivated, and lemme tell ya, there is _nothin' _motivating like finding out some woman's gone and 'altered' you so you can have a fucking baby.

Anyway, so I started lookin' for her in that same bar. I didn't think I'd really find her there—she'd have to be pretty dumb to head back there when I was lookin' for her—but it seemed like as good a place as any to start. I was hopin' somebody would know her, or know where I could find her, but damn it if none of 'em even remembered _seein'_ her in the bar. Like I fucking hallucinated her or something.

I was kinda stuck on what to do after that—I mean, where the hell do ya look for a sorceress? I'd just about made up my mind to head back to the palace and give up for the night when the door to the bar swung open…and in walked my favorite guy in the whole damned world.

Tamafuckinghome.

_To Be Continued…

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**A Final Note:**

As mentioned on my author bio page, I'm turning over a new leaf with this story, in that it is already completed. (I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock.) But yes, it's true. "Expecting" is finished and waiting patiently on my hard drive, so you can expect to see a new chapter every week or week and a half, depending on time constraints and my last run-through of editing on the chapters. Until then, I'd love to hear what you think of the story so far. So, until next time--adieu!

Shunyata Ryuen


	2. Two Men, Some Slavers, and a Baby

-2-

What the hell was he doing up at this hour, anyway, hangin' around in bars? He shoulda been back at the palace with Miaka, sayin' her name over and over again or somethin' gross and mushy like that. But sure enough it was him, his hair a little mussed up like he'd been sleeping, his eyes all bleary and bloodshot. Good. Maybe he wouldn't see me.

Just to make sure, I backed away from the bar and started workin' my way through the crowd, thinkin' I'd use it for cover 'til I got to the far wall, then slip out the door before Tama even knew I was there. And after that…well, hell, my seishi power wasn't super speed for nothin'. I'd be back at the palace, safe in my room, before Tama even got his ass up to the bar. No sweat.

'Cept, when I started tryin' to get through the drunk guys, I realized how heavy my stomach was getting. I looked down—and the damn thing was even bigger'n it'd been back at the palace! Even so, I was makin' pretty good progress through the crowd…but then all of a sudden Tama turned and glanced my way. I panicked, ducking down and tryin' to sprint forward so he wouldn't see me, but the thing was, I wasn't all that used to movin' around with a fucking beach ball stuck to the front of me. When I tried to get through the crowd, 'stead a' makin' a nice clean get-away, I ended up jostlin' a whole bunch of big guys, and even knockin' one of 'em flat on his ass so his saké spilled all over his shirt.

I tried to keep goin' after that, but one of the guy's pals snagged the back of my coat and dragged me backwards, and since I was suddenly all front-heavy, I didn't have the balance to stop him. Before I knew it, I was standing there with a whole pack of angry drunk guys clustered around me, one of 'em with his hand still wrapped up in my coat, the others all snickerin' and grinnin' at me in the meantime. And then the big guy I'd knocked down was pickin' himself up, wringing the saké outta his shirt, and stompin' on over to me like his fist was real anxious to get acquainted with my face.

Or maybe my stomach, I thought suddenly, and remembered all the stories I'd heard growin' up about girls gettin' hit in the stomach or falling down and losin' babies because of it. And I wondered if maybe if this guy gave me a real good sock to the stomach, my little problem'd go away all by itself. It'd hurt like hell, but if it did the job, who cared?

I mean, it wasn't like there was a real baby in there.

It was just some damned spell. Just a stupid spell, not a _baby_. Ya can't make a baby out of thin air like that. No way. It's fucking impossible.

My hand went to my stomach like it had a mind of its own, and sure enough, the bulge seemed like it'd gotten bigger just over the last minute or two. All the more reason to get rid of this thing, right? It was just gonna get bigger and bigger…and what the hell happened if Chichiri was wrong, huh? What if the spell was just for my stomach to grow and grow 'til it exploded? What then?

People're always sayin' this, but right then it was true: time seemed to stand still for a second. And while it did, my hand slipped in through the folds of my overcoat and rested against my belly, and it was all warm and full and I just…knew somehow that there _was_ a baby in there, that it wasn't just a trick of the spell. It was like I could really feel something—some_one_—growin' inside of me, and I suddenly felt really…I don't know, it sounds nuts, but _unworthy_. 'Cause I knew I wasn't a good enough home for the kid. I was rough and loud and I liked to drink, swear—what kind of a place is that for a little kid to grow in?

But the thing was, the little guy didn't _know_ I was only a filthy bandit who spent too much time in bars. He just knew I was his home, and he was warm and safe and protected while he was in me.

And I'd be damned if I'd let anybody hurt him.

"I'm warnin' ya," I said to the big guy, who was movin' towards me with his hands in fists. "Ya don't wanna mess with me. Get any closer'n you're gonna fucking regret it."

That made him pause for a second. And then he burst out laughing, all his ugly pals joinin' in.

I grinned. I'd been waitin' for this moment ever since Sunakake Baba gave me that fucking beautiful new tessen. And now, finally, it was time to try it out. While the guys were still laughin', my hand soared to the holster on the back of my coat and wrapped around a piece of cool metal. "LEKKAAAAA…SHIIIIIIIIIIIIINEN!"

I swung the tessen in front of me, waitin' for the roar of fire and feelin' real good about how great a job I was doin' protecting the kid…

But pretty soon, I figured out that somethin' wasn't right. Somethin' was…_off_, and it seemed like the tessen wasn't quite the right shape or weight or somethin', and where the hell was the fire?

I looked down.

"Oh, _fuck_."

It was that damned contraption of Miaka's, that…stapler, or whatever the hell she called it. How the _fuck_ did it get into my tessen holster?

And all of a sudden I remembered seein' Tama skulkin' around outside my room after dinner, lookin' so innocent I shoulda known he was up to somethin'…

The guys were laughin' their asses off, so I took advantage of them bein' off guard and flipped the end of the stapler down, just like Miaka'd showed me. An' then I aimed the thing at the big one's face and squeezed a couple times, thinkin' about how much it'd fucking hurt when I accidentally jammed the thing into my thumb. But this hadda be a hundred times worse, right? 'Cause the guy'd be gettin' a face full of the little fuckers! Who'd be laughin' then, huh?

He would. The staples didn't even make a dent, and half of 'em never got close to hittin' him. So, hell, I gave up, dropped the stapler, and rammed my fist hard into the guy's stomach. _That_ made him quit laughin', but his buddies were on me before I could get my unbalanced ass outta there. They dragged me away from him, pinning my arms behind me, and all I could think about was how open and exposed my stomach was—how easy it'd be for any one of 'em to hit it.

That thought got me moving. If you'd asked me any other day, I'd a' thought there was no way in hell I could wrestle my way outta all those guys' hands. They were clamped down so hard on my arms, I'm surprised my fingers weren't turnin' blue. But thinkin' about that little baby all curled up inside of me, _countin'_ on me to keep him safe, I just lost it. I went wild. Twistin' outta their fingers, kicking, punching, _biting_—I even grabbed the stapler off the floor and whacked one of the guys over the head with it. Before too long, though, I started realizin' that I was fighting a losing battle—that no matter how much I wanted to make it outta this okay, there were too many of them and not enough of me, and really it was only a matter of time before I was just a little too slow to block one of their punches. And then it'd all be over. I'd have failed the kid, let him die when I coulda protected him.

Then all of a sudden, there was this flash of red light, and the guys cleared off a' me like a big gust of wind'd knocked 'em over. I got to my feet, shakin' and breathing hard, and there was Tama, standin' over the guys with his seishi symbol glowing and his hands in fists at his sides. Normally, I'd'a been pissed as hell at him—who the hell ya think I am, some freakin' damsel in distress that I need you to step in on my fight? But right then, I was so damned glad to see him I coulda cried.

In fact…shit, I _was_ crying. There were tears pourin' down my cheeks, and no matter how hard I tried to get 'em to stop, they just kept fucking _coming_. The hell? I had a reputation to keep up, goddammit! I couldn't go around cryin' in bars!

But I really, really couldn't stop. And the guys were starin' up at me from the floor, and Tama was starin' at me with this look on his face like he couldn't believe what he was seein', and the bartender was starin' at me, and _everybody_ was starin' at me but I just couldn't get the waterworks to stop. So before any of 'em could say anything or start laughin' at me again, I got the hell outta there and started runnin' for the palace.

Or I tried to. I didn't get very far before I figured out that runnin' anywhere was outta the question—it was like I was all filled up with water or somethin', and every step I took made it slosh forward and then slam back into me. It fucking hurt, and even if I coulda stood the pain, I couldn't help wonderin' what all that movin' around might do to the baby. Couldn't be good for the kid to be jostled around like that, so I gave up on gettin' anywhere fast and just walked.

I made it about a block and a half before I had to stop and rest. My back hurt like hell, my feet felt like they were swelled up to twice their size, and to make everything about a million times worse, I was _still_ fucking crying. I went over to the wall of some building, leaned against it, and closed my eyes, and after a little while, I finally got myself under control. By then, though, it was too late. By then Tama'd caught up with me, and I knew I was in deep shit.

* * *

Neither of us said anything for a minute. Then Tama came around so he was standin' right in front of me. He wasn't laughin', at least, but he did look pretty damn confused, and maybe like he was startin' to feel sorry for me. That pissed me off, so I straightened up and tried to get around him, but he caught my arm. 

"Tasuki, what's going on?" He said it real quietly, and since he still wasn't makin' fun of me, I figured he _was_ feelin' sorry for me.

I pulled my arm away and gave a pretty unconvincing laugh. I hoped my cheeks weren't still wet. "Nothin'. Nothin's goin' on. Now if ya don't mind—"

"Look, I'm sorry about the thing with the tessen. It was a stupid thing to do." He reached into his coat, and I saw he'd stuck my tessen to his belt like a sword. He pulled it loose and held it out to me.

I snatched it away and stuffed it back into its holster. "Yeah, thanks," I muttered, and started walkin' back towards the palace, takin' it slow but tryin' not to seem like I was. Of course Tama fucking followed me. Like I needed an escort or somethin'.

"Tasuki," he said after a little while, and he sounded kinda hesitant, "what was going on back there?"

I pulled the coat a little tighter around me. "Oh, ya know, same old shit. Bumped into a couple a' guys who didn't like getting bumped into." I gave him a dirty look. "Coulda handled 'em just fine if I'd had my tessen."

He shook his head. "No, I meant—" He shrugged, and I thought he looked pretty uncomfortable all of a sudden. "You seemed…upset."

I gave him another phony laugh. "Fuck, no; that was just the saké. Get too much of it and ya start bawlin' like a baby; you know how it is."

He sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Look, I know we don't really get along—"

"That's for fucking sure."

"—but we're Suzaku shichiseishi. That makes us…brothers. If something's going on, you know you can—"

"Nothing's goin' on," I growled. "Will ya drop it already? And look, I really don't need the escort home, so why don'tcha get lost and go find Miaka or somethin'? She's prob'ley goin' crazy sayin' your name over and over with nobody to say hers back."

Tama got quiet after that, lookin' down at his hands like they were real interesting. "Yeah, well, Miaka and I are… Taiitsukun told her it'd be best if we…" He drew a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "She's the miko."

Like that was supposed to fucking explain everything? "Yeah?" I said. "So?"

"So," he said slowly, "the miko has to be…pure. If she isn't, she can't summon Suzaku."

What the hell did that have to do with anything? I was startin' to wonder if maybe _Tama'd_ had too much saké, but then somethin' clicked in my brain and I got it.

"_Oh_," I said, and now _I_ was uncomfortable. "So…you guys can't…?"

He shook his head. "Not until after we've summoned Suzaku."

I straightened my shoulders and grinned at him. "Bet that makes this whole mission seem way more urgent, huh, Tama? …hey, so was that what you were doin' out in a bar this late? Drownin' your sorrows 'cause you can't be with Miaka?"

"That was the plan. Unfortunately, I didn't get to do much drowning before the fight."

My jaw tightened. "Hey, it's not too late. Still plenty a' time to take care of that."

But he was shakin' his head even before I finished talking. "Nah, I should get back to the palace. It was dumb, anyway, to leave Miaka alone when Kutou is still looking for her."

For some reason, that pissed me off. "Ya know, you're not the only one who can keep her safe."

He blinked at me. "I know that."

"In fact, ya haven't been doin' all that great a job of keepin' her safe anyway. She's still been gettin' hurt, and half the time it's been you who's been doin' it to her!"

A pained look came over his face. "I _know_. And look, Tasuki, I know you don't trust me because of…of what happened with the kodoku. But whether you trust me or not, I wanted to thank you for what you did then. Thank you for protecting her. If you hadn't been there, I might've—" He broke off, looking down at his hands again. "Just…thank you. I don't know what I would've done if something had happened to her."

I really didn't want to make the connection, but suddenly all I could think about was bein' in that bar and knowin' that I wasn't gonna be able to protect the baby—that he was gonna die 'cause of me, 'cause I just couldn't do what it took to save him. It'd felt like somethin' gnawing at the pit of my stomach, or maybe ripping right through the middle of my chest. It was a sick, horrible feeling, the kinda guilt ya carry with you for the rest of your life, and the only thing that'd saved me from it was Tama. Tama, who was pourin' his guts out to me for some reason, and lookin' at me like maybe I could understand him.

I could.

"Wasn't your fault," I mumbled, and it kinda surprised me that I meant it. "Ya did all ya could, fought as hard as ya could, but it just wasn't enough. It happens."

Tama looked surprised, too. "I… Yeah. Thanks, Tasuki. It…means a lot to hear you say that."

I made a face. "Save that mushy crap for Miaka, will ya? And while you're at it, why don'tcha can this bodyguard stuff and get the hell awa—"

I skidded to a stop, my eyes wide, my hands going around my stomach. "Holy shit," I breathed. "Holy fucking shit."

"Tasuki, what's wrong? What's happening?"

I shook my head. It'd been about two whole minutes since I'd thought about my 'condition,' but now it was pretty hard not to. Now, it was pretty much _impossible_ not to.

The baby was kicking.

I closed my eyes, waiting for it to happen again, hopin' it would even though it'd mean a hell of a lot of trouble for me. Nothin' happened for a couple'a seconds, though, and so I started wonderin' if maybe I'd imagined it or somethin', if maybe there really was no—

_There_. A quick pressure from inside me, gone almost as quick as it came, but there. Real.

"Holy fuck," I whispered, and goddammit if I didn't feel like I was gonna cry again. "There's a baby in there."

* * *

There was a long pause. 

"_What?_"

I shoulda been pretty pissed off about Tama findin' out, but right then, I was way too floored by what was happenin' to care. "A baby," I said again. I sat down on the ground, my back pressed up against the wall of a building, and shook my head. "This is nuts. I can't have a baby. What the fuck does she think I'll do with it? Let the kid ride in my tessen holster? How the hell am I supposed to protect Miaka when I gotta look after a baby?"

Tama was starin' at me. "How much did you drink, anyway?"

I glared at him. "It's not the saké, shithead. It was a spell. Some fucking sorceress laid her hands on me and…did this. Put a fucking baby inside a' me. Look, ya can ask Chichiri if ya don't believe me!"

"So, you're telling me," he said, really slowly, "that a sorceress cast a spell on you…and now you're going to have a baby."

"Right."

"You, Tasuki, are going to have a baby."

"That's right," I growled.

He laughed. Just a quick bark of a laugh, not too loud, but then there was another, and another, and before too long, he was doubled over with his arms over his stomach, howlin' so loud they could prob'ley hear him in Sairou.

"ARRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!" I bellowed. "Ya had your fucking laugh, now help me up and let's get back to the palace before anything else fucking goes wrong."

"Too late," came a deep voice from behind us, and I whipped my head around to see the guy from the bar standin' there on the sidewalk with his buddies.

It was tough, but somehow I managed to heave myself to my feet. "Fuckin' bad guys," I muttered. "Always gotta make an entrance. Whaddya want?"

All of 'em were armed, some with wooden clubs, some with heavy pieces a' metal, but for some reason they were just standin' there, not movin', like they expected us to surrender or somethin'. Fat chance.

The leader—or at least, I figured he was the leader, since he was the only one of 'em who seemed interested in _sayin'_ anything—took a couple steps forward, slappin' the piece a' metal he was holdin' against his palm. "Us?" he said, tryin' to look innocent but really just lookin' mean and ugly. "We don't want nothin'. Not a thing. Right, boys?"

There was an answering rumble from the guys behind him. He grinned. "Ya see? We're not here to cause any trouble. We're just takin' a walk around the neighborhood, swingin' these clubs here around for exercise. 'Course, if somebody got himself in our way, that'd be pretty bad for him, wouldn't it?"

I opened my mouth to holler somethin' back at him, but suddenly Tama was standin' there in front of me with his fists clenched, his clothes and hair gettin' all ruffled with wind. Fucking show-off. I shoved him with the flat of my hand.

"What the fuck do ya think you're doing?"

He glanced back at me. "I'm _protecting_ you, now stay behind me!"

"Protecting me? I don't need you to fucking protect me!"

"The hell you don't! How are you supposed to fight in your…condition?"

"My _condition_ is none of your fucking business, now get the hell outta the way!"

"I'm not letting them hurt you, Tasuki."

"Who do ya think you are, my fucking bodyguard?"

That was it. Tama turned around and roared, "YOU'RE PREGNANT, YOU ASS, NOW STAY BEHIND ME!"

Everything got real quiet for a second.

Finally, the guy in front lowered the metal rod to his side and pointed a finger at me. "That," he said, talkin' real slow like Tama had at first, "is a girl?"

I could just about feel myself turnin' red, but before I could find the breath to yell at him, Tama got beside me and put an arm around my shoulders—which really fucking made my day, let me tell you.

"That's right," he said, smilin' way too big. I started to struggle, but he tightened up his grip and hissed, "Shut up; I'm getting us out of this." He turned the big smile back on our attackers, who were looking kinda uncertain now, exchanging glances and muttering stuff to each other. "You wouldn't want to hurt a poor, defenseless pregnant girl now, would you?"

I was actually shaking, I was so mad, and somehow I managed to grind out, "This ain't helping, Tama. Ya think they're gonna go _easier_ on me if they think I'm a girl?"

Fucking moron. And sure enough, the leader gave us a real creepy smile and took another step forward.

"No, we're not gonna hurt her. We're not gonna touch a hair on her pretty red head." His expression all of a sudden went cold. "Least, not 'til we get her to Kutou. Feisty girl like her'll fetch a real fair price over there, and I'm thinkin' so will you, bein' that you're one of the Suzaku shichiseishi. You know how much the emperor of Kutou's willing to pay for bringin' you in?"

I thwapped Tama on the back. "Great plan, shithead!"

He rounded on me. "You're the one who pissed them off in the first place! Anyway, I can handle them. Stay behind me."

"STOP ORDERIN' ME AROUND! I'M GETTIN' REALLY FUCKING SICK OF—"

From somewhere outta the mob came this big rock, and while Tama was still turned around, glarin' at me, it slammed into the side of his head and knocked him back a step. He just stood there for second, lookin' pretty stunned, and I figured that maybe he'd be okay. But then his eyes rolled back and he fell to his knees, then collapsed onto his side in the street.

Shit. Shit, shit, _shit_. I couldn't run, I couldn't fight, and now the one fucking guy who coulda helped me out was out cold, blood already startin' to run down the side of his face.

The bastards started towards me. They were grinning, some of 'em leering, and it was like there was a fucking stampede in my chest, my heart was goin' so fast.

And then I remembered: the tessen. Tama gave me back the tessen.

With a slow grin that made me feel almost like normal, I reached back and pulled the thing outta its holster. It glittered and sparkled, and wiped those smug grins right off the guys' faces.

"All right, you fuckers," I snarled. "Get ready to—"

_Wham_. Somethin' smashed into my forehead, makin' everything goes all crazy and wobbly, and before I knew it I'd joined Tama in the street. I only had a second to be glad I hadn't landed on my stomach, and then the edges of my vision got all fuzzy and dark, and I passed out.

_To Be Continued…

* * *

_

**Notes:**

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge and thank everyone who took the time to review chapter one. So, enormous thanks and gift baskets to Roku Kyu, Daluci, x Belles Reminisce, Emmi-chan, aderine no miko, a.k.a. Arashi, Silver Pain, fluffy-sama's worshiper, and Skittles1. Your feedback is greatly appreciated!

Second, I would again like to thank Roku kyu for her helpful beta of this chapter—although I neglected to mention in chapter one that she was not my _only_ beta-reader. In fact, the lovely and talented Kryssa provided a great deal of beta-reading assistance when this fic was in its early stages, as did Purple Mouse. So thanks, guys! Couldn't have done it without you!

And now, for something completely different. Long-long ago, when I was still working on my single piece of Harry Potter fanfiction, I would close each chapter with a short preview of the next. Very "Next Time On Buffy the Vampire Slayer…" but the readers seemed to enjoy it, so I figured I'd give it a go.

So now, stay tuned for a sneak preview of next week's…"Expecting!"

* * *

**_Chapter Three: In Deep Ship_**

_I swung my arm back, all ready to slam it into the guy's gut…but he musta felt me tensin' up, 'cause he grabbed my wrist before I could hit him and twisted it around behind my back. I let him know what I thought about him an' his mother after that, but he just laughed and twisted my arm some more. It felt like he was about to fucking rip it off, but hell if I was gonna let him know how much it hurt. Shit, no. I bit down on my lip, tryin' hard to think of somethin' to do an' kinda wishin' that maybe Tama wasn't on the other side a' the bars, 'cause it woulda been nice to have some help right about then._

_"You can go ahead and scream if you want," the bastard whispered in my ear. "Everybody else is ashore gettin' supplies, so there ain't nobody around to hear."

* * *

_

Shunyata Ryuen


	3. In Deep Ship

-3-

I woke up feelin' like the whole fucking Kutou army was trampin' through my head, and wondered how much saké I musta had to be feelin' this shitty.

Then I remembered.

"Aw, _fuck_," I groaned, and was just about to sit up and have a look around wherever-the-hell-I-was, when I felt this hand on my shoulder, real gentle and careful.

"Tasuki? Are you awake?"

Gahhh, it was Tama. I didn't know whether to be glad I wasn't in this thing alone, or pissed as hell that of everybody in the whole fucking country, it had to be _Tama_ who got kidnapped by slave traders along with me.

I scowled and opened my eyes. "Whaddya fucking _think_?"

When I tried to sit up, the guy actually put his goddamn arm around my back to help me—and lemme tell ya, I woulda tore him a fucking new one over that one…only it turned out that I really needed the help, 'cause my stomach was bigger'n ever and my back was achin' almost as bad as my head. I felt like shit, and if that wasn't bad enough, the floor was rocking and tossing under us, makin' it pretty damned clear just where we were.

We were on a fucking boat.

A boat. In the water. In really fucking _deep_ water, prob'ley miles and miles away from the coast so there was nothin' around us but water, nothin' _anywhere_ but water…

I clapped a hand over my mouth, all of a sudden feelin' like I was gonna be sick.

And fucking Tama got away from me as quick as he fucking could, the shithead. Sure, stick right by me 'til it looks like I'm gonna puke, then get the hell away and leave me all by my—

But before I was even through cussin' him out, he was back, settin' this heavy bucket down beside me, then helpin' me lean over it like I was some fucking weakling or something. Asshole.

But thank Suzaku, the sick feeling passed without me havin' to throw up, and I leaned back against the wall, wantin' to close my eyes and go back to sleep but knowing I couldn't. I mean, goin' to sleep wasn't gonna change a damn thing, and how the hell was I supposed to get us outta this if I was lyin' around like a damn rock, huh?

I looked around. We were in this grimy little cell with bars for a door and nothin' in the way of furniture but some straw and a couple a' boxes and barrels.

"Real fucking cozy," I muttered.

Tama sat up a little straighter. "I'm going to get us out of this," he told me, lookin' all determined and shit. "The next time one of them comes in with food or water, I'll attack him, and then we'll steal a lifeboat and—"

"Yeah, 'cause your last plan worked out so fucking well," I growled. "Anyway, that's a stupid-ass plan, 'cause it's just what they're gonna expect. They'll prob'ley have a whole bunch'a guards outside or somethin', and then we'll get caught and stuffed right back in here, only _this_ time they won't give us any food or water!"

Tama looked kinda deflated, and I almost—_almost_—felt bad for trashin' his idea. But it really was a stupid-ass plan, and hell if I was gonna go along with it just so I wouldn't hurt his precious goddamn feelings!

"Look," I said, rubbin' my eyes, "this isn't gonna be easy, no matter _what_ we do. Even if we can get outta this cell, I ain't exactly fit for a quick get-away, if ya know what I mean. …and you are _not_ fucking carrying me, so get that look off yer face!"

Tama closed his mouth. "Fine," he said after a second. "What do _you_ think we should do, then?"

"Iunno. Lemme think for a second." I tried to shift my position a little, 'cause the truth was that I was really fucking uncomfortable, but it seemed like no matter how I sat, it didn't help. "Shit," I muttered, "how do women put up with this?" I shifted again, cussing some more under my breath, and when I looked up again, Tama was wrestlin' his arms outta his shirt. The fuck was he doin'? Next thing I knew, he was leanin' in towards me, all flesh and muscle with his shirt in his hands.

"Y-Ya know," I managed, "just 'cause I got all the right parts now don't mean I'm all of a sudden interested in guys!"

Tama looked pretty surprised for a second, and then he got this weird _look_ in his eyes and leaned closer, so close that I could feel his breath against my face. "But aren't you always saying how much you hate girls?" he asked me in this low, silky voice, an' my heart was suddenly goin' about a mile a minute, 'cause _shit_, he just kept leanin' in closer an' if I knew what was good for me, I'd move the hell outta the way or hit him or somethin', but hell if I could move a muscle…

At the last second, he changed direction, leaned around me, and tucked his balled up shirt behind my back like a cushion.

"Baka," he said, an' I could feel my face gettin' red. "I was just trying to make you a little more comfortable. Just because you have the right parts now doesn't mean _I'm_ interested." He stopped then, his eyes gettin' all wide, an' I knew it'd just hit him what that meant, me havin' the right parts.

Before he could say anything, though, I grabbed his shirt from behind me and threw it at him. "YEAH, ARRIGHT, SO I'M A FUCKING GIRL!" I hollered. "How the hell do ya think I could have a fucking baby inside a' me if I wasn't, huh?"

I rubbed a hand over my face, wipin' away the tears that were suddenly there.

"Shit," I managed after a second, "it ain't like I'm _really_ a girl. It's just a fucking spell. Right? Changed my body all around, but I'm still the fucking same. I'm still Tasuki. I'm still…me, I just…aw, fuck, Tama, put the goddamn hanky away. I'm _fine_."

He just kept holdin' it out, though, so after a second, I snatched the thing away from him and blew my nose into it.

"It's okay if you feel emotional," Tama said, usin' this real soft, gentle voice I'd only ever heard him use with Miaka. "It's normal. Before my mother had Yuiren, she was crying all the time, and having mood swings, and craving strange foods. It's normal."

I held my arms out to my sides. "Does this look fucking _normal_ to you? I'm a freak of nature, for fuck's sake, and all 'cause a' that stupid fucking sorceress, that stupid _woman_. Shit, if she was sittin' right in front'a me, I'd burn her to a fucking crisp! What the hell was she thinkin', doin' this ta me? What'd I ever do ta her? She asked my fucking opinion! What the hell was I s'posed ta do, _lie_ to her? If she didn't wanna know what I thought, she shouldn't a' fucking asked me!"

For awhile after that, neither of us said anything, me snifflin' and Tama workin' on gettin' his shirt buttoned up. After a couple a' minutes, I started feelin' a little bit more in control of myself, so I wiped my face one last time and tossed the hanky back at Tama. He caught it and tucked it back into his pocket, even though it was all soggy with snot and tears.

He was still lookin' at me like he thought I was gonna fall to pieces any second, the shithead. Meanwhile, I was wishin' real bad for some saké, but since that wasn't gonna happen, I figured I'd better go with Plan B: change the damn subject to somethin' a little less uncomfortable. I cleared my throat. "So, uh, Yuiren… She the little one?"

Tama opened his mouth like he was gonna answer, then stopped with a frown on his face.

It was about then that I remembered—shit, Tama didn't know I'd ever met his family. I opened my mouth to try to cover it up with somethin' lame like "Nuriko told me," but Tama figured it out before I could.

"You were with them, weren't you?" he asked me quietly. "When Miaka took Mitsukake to heal my father."

I looked down, for some reason havin' trouble meetin' his eyes. Iunfucking know _why_, 'cause it ain't like I did somethin' wrong just by bein' in his fuckin' house while he was off in Kutou gettin' all evil and shit. "Yeah," I said, then got over whatever-the-hell-it-was and met his eyes. "So yer pretty close to your little sister, huh? Seemed like the kid didn't shut up about ya the whole time we were there."

Tama got this soft smile on his face, like somethin' had made him real happy, and closed his eyes for a second. "Yeah, we're really close."

"I got sisters too," I said in a dark voice. "It ain't no fucking picnic, I'll tell ya that."

"Yuiren isn't so much like a sister to me as a daughter," Tama said, an' for once I had the good sense to keep my mouth shut and just listen. "My mother died giving birth to her, so I'm the one who raised her. She calls me 'Big Brother' in front of all the other kids, but when we're alone, sometimes she…she calls me 'Papa.'"

Iunno if it was all the fucking girly parts in me or what, but somethin' about that really got me. I could feel myself gettin' all choked up again, so I cleared my throat and figured I'd try for another subject change—but before I could, there was this janglin' sound from the door. I turned around just as the bars swung open and this big, bored-lookin' guy leaned in and set down a tray of food.

It was right about then that I realized I was fucking _starving_.

I started crawlin' over to the tray, hopin' I wasn't about to send Tama into a major Miaka Flashback with all the eatin' I was about to do…but just as I got to the tray, I realized the guard was still standin' there, lookin' down at me. I wasn't wearin' nothin' special, now, understand—just my usual clothes, though of course they were hangin' kinda different on me now: my shirt didn't quite cover all a' my big-ass belly, an' my chest was a little bigger. Not _much_, don't get me wrong—just a little. Truth was, I really didn't look all that different, or that much more like a girl—I looked like I usually did, 'cept with a little more padding in some places.

But the asshole guard was lookin' at me like I was a fuckin' harem girl or somethin', and before I knew it, he'd grabbed me by the arm, dragged me out into the hallway, and slammed the cell door shut behind us.

"I don't care what the boss says," he said, gettin' his nasty-ass face all up in mine. "I think you're a good-looking girl." He laughed, an' the spray of foul breath just about made me gag. "And even if you weren't, there's some places where it don't make a difference, if ya know what I mean."

I could hear Tama rattlin' the bars, yellin' stuff at the guy, but I was glad he couldn't do anything.

That left this asshole all to me.

I swung my arm back, all ready to slam it into his gut…but he musta felt me tensin' up, 'cause he grabbed my wrist before I could hit him and twisted it around behind my back. I let him know what I thought about him an' his mother after that, but he just laughed and twisted my arm some more. It felt like he was about to fucking rip it off, but hell if I was gonna let him know how much it hurt. Shit, no. I bit down on my lip, tryin' hard to think of somethin' to do an' kinda wishin' that maybe Tama _wasn't_ on the other side a' the bars, 'cause it woulda been nice to have some help right about then.

"You can go ahead and scream if you want," the bastard whispered in my ear. "Everybody else is ashore gettin' supplies, so there ain't nobody around to hear."

He had me twisted around so my back was pressed up against him, an' while I was tryin' to struggle outta his grip, he got his filthy fucking hand under my shirt and ran it up my side. I just about threw up, havin' him feel me up like that, but I don't think he woulda cared if I had. He was _lovin'_ it, the sick fucker—I could feel him pushin' against the back of my leg, all hard and eager—and that was when I realized, with this cold, dead feeling in my chest, just exactly where this was goin'. What he wanted to do to me.

I ain't naïve. I know there's some bastards out there who'll do whatever they want to whoever they want…but goddammit, they were never s'posed to be able to do it to _me!_

I struggled harder, tryin' to wrestle outta his hands or at least get turned around enough to hit him, but the guy was too strong and I didn't have the maneuverability I used to. I managed to get a kick in, slammin' my foot into his kneecap—but that was when the knife came out. He stuck it right up against my throat, so close to the skin I had to try not to breathe too hard or risk gettin' cut.

Everything got kinda slow for a minute.

While I'd been strugglin' with the bastard, we'd somehow got turned around so now I was facin' back towards the cell. I could see Tama standin' there behind the bars, lookin' about as sick as I felt, even sicker 'cause he knew he couldn't do a damn thing to help me. I could see it in his eyes, how bad he wanted to tear right through those bars and come to my rescue, but the things were fucking _iron_, and so of course he couldn't get through.

So he was gonna hafta watch.

"That's a good girl," the bastard purred, still talkin' right inta my ear so his voice was way too loud. "You behave, or I'll cut that baby outta your belly and have him for dinner—you got me, sweetheart?"

"Yeah," I managed, "I gotcha. But hey," I went on, not caring that my voice was shakin' like crazy, "if we got the whole fucking ship, whaddya say we find a better spot than this, huh? Y-Ya don't wanna get an ass full a' splinters, right?"

Tama's eyes widened, but I gave him a look that said _shut the fuck up! _and he didn't say anything. But yeah, he knew exactly what I was doin' and why I was doin' it. But too damn bad! There was no fucking way I was gonna make him watch this.

Besides, maybe if we got someplace else, there'd be a weapon lying around somewhere—or maybe the bastard'd trip on the stairs and I'd be able to overpower him, or…or _somethin'_…

But he wasn't goin' for it. Instead a' answerin' me, he grabbed me by the neck and threw me onto the floor. I landed on my back so hard the wind got knocked outta me, and before I could catch my breath he was on top of me, pinnin' my wrists up over my head and holdin' my legs down with his knees.

"Oh, fuck," I whispered.

"Not gonna scream, huh?" And then before I could turn away, he slammed his mouth down into mine, forcin' his tongue past my lips and rammin' it so deep into my mouth that I gagged. "That's okay, sweetheart. I like a challenge."

And that was when something exploded.

Little chunks of metal went flyin' everywhere, stirrin' up this big cloud of dust and debris, and all of a sudden it was like there was a fuckin' tornado in the ship or somethin'—wind roarin' around us, knockin' the bastard off a' me with a howl that mighta been pain…

Once the smoke cleared a little, I lifted my head…and my mouth just about dropped open. The bars to the cell were gone. Looked like somebody'd fuckin' blown 'em apart. All that was left of 'em were these jagged little bits still stuck to the floor and ceiling; everything else was in pieces on the floor. That sight was nothin', though, compared to what was comin' through the doorway.

It was Tama, only like I'd never seen him before. Wind blowin' around him, whippin' his clothes around and blowin' his hair straight up in their air. His seishi symbol wasn't just glowin' but on _fire_, glarin' out from his forehead so bright I had to squint against it. His eyes were barely human, and there was so much hatred and _fury_ in them that for the first time ever, I was actually scared of him, of the power he could get a hold of.

…and then just as quick as it'd come, the wind died down, the symbol faded away, and Tama was just Tama again. He came over to me and held out his hand, an' I was so shaken up that I could only stare at it.

"Come on," he said, an' he sounded pretty shaken up himself. "You heard him—everyone's off the ship, so we must be docked somewhere. If we're going to escape, now's the time to do it."

I glanced behind me, wantin' to say somethin' smart to that bastard before we left…but he was layin' there on his back, his blood soakin' into the floor, a piece of iron the size of a sword stuck through his chest.

I shivered. Then I took Tama's hand and let him pull me to my feet.

We got the hell outta there, Tama pullin' me down the hallway after him, me doin' the best I could walkin' on legs that didn't wanna stop shaking. We were just about to the steps that led to the deck when we passed this little room with a lantern sittin' in it. Just like our cell, there was hay all over the floor, an' before I even thought it through, I let go of Tama's hand and went inside.

"Take this, ya bastards," I whispered, and shoved the lantern off the table. It hit the floor with a crash of breakin' glass, an' pretty soon the hay was smokin' and crackling with fire.

"Tasuki, come on!" Tama said, an' before I could even turn around, he grabbed my hand again and we were back to our quick get-away. By the time we got off the ship, the smoke was trickling up into the sky in this long, thin stream, an' Tama was still holdin' tight onto my hand.

_To Be Continued…

* * *

_

**Notes:**

As ever, big thanks and boxes of chocolate to the reviewers: aderine no miko, Everqueen, Grand Lethal, Emmi-chan, Skittles1, fluffy-sama's worshiper, Mrs. Tasuki, a.k.a. Arashi, roku kyu, x Belles Reminisce, and Whitney-chan2005. I really appreciate you taking the time to review!

Thanks, also, to the faithful beta-readers of this chapter, Roku Kyu and Purple Mouse, whose insightful comments were invaluable to the editing process.

And now, stay tuned for a sneak peek of Chapter Four, to be posted next Monday, May 9th!

* * *

_**Chapter Four: Could Be Worse…**_

_"Tasuki," he said in a soft voice, an' even though he was starin' at the road an' not at me, I was still havin' trouble lookin' at him, an' was almost…scared of what might come outta his mouth next._

_"I think," he said slowly, "that this time away from Miaka is a good thing."  
_

_Huh?_

_"Huh?"

* * *

_

Shunyata Ryuen


	4. Could Be Worse

-4-

"Looks like we're still in Konan," Tama whispered.

We were hidin' out behind a stack of crates on the dock, waitin' for the way to clear enough for us to get by. A bunch a' guys were millin' around out there, loadin' crates and stuff onto the ships—but none of 'em had noticed yet that the slavers' ship was smoking, prob'ley 'cause they were mostly workin' with their backs to it. Still, I figured it wouldn't be long before _somebody_ noticed, or the fire got out of control enough that ya couldn't ignore it, and then Tama and me could slip away in the confusion. 'Til then, though, we were pretty much stuck where we were.

"Yeah," I whispered back, "but _where_ in fucking Konan?"

Tama was sittin' real close to me, since there wasn't much room behind the crates. His breath tickled my ear when he answered. "Once it's safe to move, we can go ask someone. There's probably an inn nearby, and I'm sure they're used to giving directions to travelers."

I felt his eyes on me for a long time after that, and finally twisted around to glare at him. "Ya got somethin' to say?"

He got this little stain of color in his cheeks and looked away. "I was just wondering…if you were all right."

"I'm fine," I muttered, takin' another look around the dock so I wouldn't hafta see that damned concerned look in his eyes. "Fuckin' A-OK."

After awhile, though, I glanced back at him, tryin' to bite back the words but not quite makin' it. "Are _you_ okay? You, uh…ya went a little crazy back there, huh, Tama? Made me real fuckin' glad we're on the same side."

Tama's jaw clenched. "I couldn't let him do that to you," he said in a low voice. "It's bad enough that he…_touched_ you like that, but if he…if he'd done anything more than that, I…I don't know what I would've—"

"Hey, take it easy," I said quietly, 'cause his voice was gettin' louder an' I sure as shit didn't want the dock workers to hear. "Look, it's _over_, okay? Ya did it. Ya got me outta there, and wiped that smug-ass grin off that bastard's face for good. "

He shook his head, still lookin' pale. "I just keep thinking about what you said before. About fighting your hardest but it just…not being enough." He looked over at me. "That could've been one of those times. You know that, don't you? That could've been one of those times when it just wasn't enough, and you would've been…he would've…"

_Raped me. That's what you're chokin' on, isn't it, Tama? _

_He woulda raped me._

I tried not to shudder, but I couldn't help it. He was right. It'd been a damn close thing back there, an' the truth was, I was still feelin' pretty shaky about it.

But _nothing_ _happened_, goddammit, so there was no fucking reason for me to feel like somethin' _did!_ Right?

Only I couldn't seem to get the stink of his hands off my skin, or that fucking nasty breath outta my nose. It was like… I mean, I knew that it was over an' he was dead, but it was like he was still _there_ somehow, still leanin' over me and pullin' at my clothes and shovin' his fucking nasty tongue down my throat…

I buried my face in my hands, shakin' so hard that it prob'ley looked like I was cryin' even though I actually fucking wasn't for once.

It just kept runnin' through my head, what that bastard'd tried to do to me—how _easy_ it'd been for him to do it. An' why? 'Cause I was a girl, 'cause I had all those parts that nasty guys like him just couldn't get enough of. Maybe even if I was my usual self, I couldn't a' took that guy when he pulled his knife…but he woulda just kicked me around a little, shown me who was boss. I'd a' been bruised all over, but that'd be all. He wouldn't'a _touched_ me like that, like he had a fucking _right_ to just 'cause he was a guy and I wasn't.

Thinkin' about that, I could feel myself startin' to get pissed—an' that was good, 'cause I'd rather be pissed anyday than scared. An' as I started comin' back to myself, lettin' my anger clean off the filth that guy'd left on me, I realized that somethin' wasn't quite right. I was kinda…tilted, an' it was suddenly a whole lot warmer…

I opened my eyes, an' fuck me if I didn't have my face buried in Tama's fucking chest. His arms were wrapped around me, holdin' me real tight against him, an' I could hear him murmurin' all sorts a' dumb-ass comforting words in my ear. An' his _fucking hand_ was in my _fucking hair_, smoothin' it back like I was his goddamn fucking _pet_.

I started shakin' again, this time for a real different reason.

"Tama," I said in a low, _you're dead-fucking-meat_ kinda voice. "Get off."

His hand quit movin' in my hair. "What?"

I took a real deep breath, and managed to holler at him without raisin' my voice above a whisper: "Get…the fuck…_offa me!_ _NOW!_"

He did, lettin' go a' me so quick I just about fell over. After I got back my balance, I looked over at him, ready to tear his fucking head off—but the words just kinda dried up in my throat, 'cause his face was all red an' he couldn't seem to bring himself to look at me, an' I all of a sudden noticed that it _was_ kinda cold out here an' it really hadn't been all that bad to be pressed up so close to him—

_GAAAHHHHHHH, get a fucking grip!_

"Um," Tama said, still not lookin' at me—but that was okay, 'cause I wasn't lookin' at him either. "S…Sorry. Habit."

Thank Suzaku, before I had to figure out what to say, somebody hollered, "FIRE!" an' just like that, guys were runnin' all over the place, scramblin' for buckets of water before the fire got out of control.

Good fucking luck, I thought. It was all over the ship by now, creepin' up the sails and sending this huge black cloud billowing up into the sky. No way a couple splashes of water were gonna stop it.

Anyway, so Tama an' me started creepin' from hiding place to hiding place, gettin' farther and farther away from the slavers' ship. Then when we were far enough away, we walked right out into the crowd, got off that damned dock, an' started makin' our way through the streets. There, at least, we could relax a little, 'cause there was this whole crowd of townspeople wanderin' around, doin' their shopping or goin' to work or whatever. Tama an' me got a bunch a' weird looks, prob'ley 'cause I was dressed like a guy but had this huge fucking stomach, an' after awhile I figured out, with a sick feeling in my gut, just what it was that we were gonna hafta do.

"Tama," I said, an' we slowed to a stop, "this is no good. Too many people're noticin' us. If those bastards come askin' around, it won't be too fucking hard for 'em to find somebody who spotted us." I drew a deep breath; I could only get the next part out through gritted teeth. "We're gonna hafta get disguises."

Tama frowned at me, like he knew what I was thinkin' but didn't wanna risk gettin' his head thwapped off for bein' wrong. "What kind of disguises?" he asked cautiously.

I sighed. "Arright, look, as long as I got this kid in me, there ain't no way anybody's gonna buy me as a guy. An' as long as they're not buyin' me as a guy, we're gonna get noticed wherever the fuck we go. So…we gotta…we gotta make me look more like a girl."

Shit, just sayin' those words left a bad taste in my mouth. But hell, it had to be done, an' I was man enough (so to speak) to admit it, even if I wasn't too fucking thrilled about doin' it.

Tama, goddamn him, looked for a second like he might laugh, but he didn't.

Good thing, too, 'cause I'd a' killed him, an' I wasn't so sure I could get back to the palace by myself.

"All right," he said instead, an' looked around for a second. "That house over there has some clothes hanging on the laundry line that we could use. Come on."

I dug my heels into the ground. "Are you fucking _kidding?_ I ain't wearin' that!"

"Tasuki…"

"I AIN'T WEARIN' THAT! You like pink ruffles so much, _you_ fuckin' wear 'em!"

"All right, all right," he said, and there was this hint of laughter in his voice. "We probably shouldn't wear anything that flashy, anyway."

I rolled my eyes. _We_, he says. Before I was through bein' pissed at him, I spotted another one of those convenient, unattended laundry lines and nudged him with my elbow. "There, that's more like it. C'mon."

After a little sneakin' around and a quick change behind somebody's stables, Tama an' me ended up in our new clothes—or, well, _my_ new clothes and his new cloak. An' ya know, I woulda jumped into the ocean before I'd have admitted it, but the thing was pretty comfortable. Yeah, okay, so it was a _dress_—but it didn't have no fucking lace or little pink flowers or anything, so don't get the wrong idea! It was just a plain grey dress with this little bit of gold trim on the sleeves and the collar. It fit nice and loose on me, which was a damn good thing considerin' my stomach, an' Iunno, I kinda liked the way it swished around my legs when I walked.

N-Not that I wouldn't be damned glad when I could get back into a pair a' pants, o'course! But as long as I was stuck in a dress, at least I wasn't gonna be miserable, right?

Anyway, so besides the dress, there were these nice heavy cloaks hangin' there on the line, an' since the weather was turnin' kinda chilly, Tama an' me grabbed those, too. Turned out to be a damned good thing, 'cause after we got our directions and started the long fucking trip back to Eiyo, the sky opened up and dumped about half an ocean's worth a' water on our heads. The cloaks were real thick and warm, an' they kept the rain off pretty good—at first, anyway. After about twenty minutes of non-stop fucking downpour, the fabric was soaked through, and Tama and me were fucking _drenched_.

"Tasuki," he said after awhile, shoutin' over the sound of the rain, "let's go back to that village! We need to get out of this rain!"

"No fucking way!" I shouted back. The road we were marchin' on was so damned muddy that my boots sank down about a half inch every time I took a step. "If ya don't think those slavers are gonna be lookin' for us after we torched their ship, you're fucking nuts! We gotta get as far away from there as we—"

Before I could finish the sentence, my foot got stuck so deep in the mud that I lost my balance and pitched forward, and prob'ley woulda landed right on my stomach if not for Tama gettin' in front of me just in time.

I couldn't help glarin' at him while he helped me get my balance back. I was wet, I was cold, I was _pregnant_, an' no matter what I did, it seemed like this guy had to keep on fucking _saving_ me. An' even though I kept tryin' to act like nothin' was different, like I was still the same old Tasuki, I sure as shit didn't feel like it.

I mean, I couldn't fight, I couldn't use my seishi speed—I could hardly fucking _walk_, for Suzaku's sake, an' I was finally startin' to realize just how helpless I really was. An' there was Tama, takin' all the shit I could throw at him an' still helpin' me out when I needed it, still catchin' me when I was about to get a face full of mud, an' I shoulda been damn grateful to him for that but all I could think about was how much I fucking hated needing the help!

"Hey." It was Tama's voice, real soft. I opened my eyes an' he was standin' right there in front of me, peerin' into my face. The rain was sliding down his cheeks and drippin' off the end of his chin, an' I didn't figure out that I was cryin' 'til he reached up and brushed my tears away with his thumb. Like that was gonna do any good with the rain still pourin' down on us.

An' hey, what the fuck did he think he was doin', anyway? Didn't he learn his lesson back on the dock?

But maybe that was just how he was, offerin' comfort to whoever needed it, even if it'd prob'ley guarantee him a mouthful of fist after. He just couldn't fucking help himself…an' I was suddenly havin' a hard time gettin' angry at him for it.

"This is no good," he said after a few seconds. "You shouldn't be out in this weather, much less walking in it." An' before I knew what was goin' on, he took me by the wrist and led me off the road, then into the woods that ran along the side. Under the trees, the rain wasn't comin' down so hard, makin' bein' outside in that damned storm almost bearable.

"Wait here," Tama said, all determined again. "I'll be back soon." An' he turned around like he was gonna leave.

I snagged the back of his coat. "Wait here?" I echoed, an' ya know all that wonderful _understanding_ I was havin' for Tama a minute earlier? Yeah, that was gone. _Wait here_, he says. No explanation, like I'm too fucking _delicate_ to understand—and what the hell's he think, I'm gonna sit here and knit fucking booties in the rain while he goes runnin' off to do whatever-the-hell he's thinkin' about doin'?

Just like that, I was back. No more a' this whiny crybaby shit—oh, poor fucking me, it's raining an' I'm un-com-fort-able. Fuck.

"Arright, that's it," I snarled. "I'm done with this shit, ya hear me, Tama? Yeah, so I'm pretty fucking useless right now, but that don't make me any less _me_, ya got it? From now on, yer gonna start treatin' me like I'm yer equal—like I'm a fucking Suzaku shichiseishi, 'cause I _am_—an' that means no more a' this shit where you make all the decisions without even fucking asking me just 'cause you're the fucking guy! Just 'cause I can't do all the shit I useta be able to do don't mean that you're in charge! YA GOT IT?"

Tama's eyes were real wide, an' I was pretty damn sure Miaka'd never said anythin' like that to him. "Y…Yeah," he managed.

"Good. Now where the fuck do ya think yer goin'?"

"I-I…I was going to go find…horses, or a wagon. So you won't have to walk."

I nodded. "Okay. Let's get goin'."

"Tasuki, you really shouldn't—"

"Well, too bad, 'cause I am! Anyway, you're shit at stealin' stuff, an' I'm a fucking _bandit_. Yer gonna need me if ya wanna do this right."

An' before he could start tellin' me to _wait there_ again, I stalked outta the woods and back onto the road, an' yeah, it was still muddy, an' yeah, the rain was still pourin' down, but _I_ was different, so it was okay. Sure, this was gonna be hard, maybe the hardest thing I ever did, but hell if I was gonna go hide in the fucking corner while Tama did all the work.

Anyway, so since it was rainin' so hard, stealin' ourselves a horse an' cart turned out to be pretty easy. Nobody was out watchin' the thing, so we just hopped in and took off. I could tell Tama was feelin' pretty guilty about takin' it, but too damn bad. If he felt so terrible about it, he could come back someday an' give the owner some of his precious o-ka-ne, but until then, it was ours an' that was that.

An' ya know, it really _was_ a lot nicer, bein' outta the rain and not havin' to slog through the mud. The cart wasn't too big, but there was a canopy strung up over it that kept out the rain. Tama wanted me to lie down in the back, but one nasty glare an' he got the idea I wasn't too fond of that suggestion. Anyway, so we both rode up front, an' 'cause I felt a little bad about bitin' his head off, I let him drive even though I coulda done it myself. An' yeah, we were both still soaked through and freezing, but at least we weren't getting any wetter, an' even though the cart was movin' real slow through the mud, at least we didn't have to fucking _walk_.

We'd been drivin' for awhile, me lookin' out at the scenery (mud, trees, an' more mud) an' Tama starin' at the road like it was fucking fascinating, when all of a sudden he cleared his throat an' mumbled somethin'.

When I looked over at him, his jaw was real tight an' he was still starin' at the road.

"What?"

He glanced at me, an' I saw there was this hint of color in his cheeks.

"I said…I didn't mean to make you feel like that."

What the fuck was he talkin' about?

"Like…you're not my equal." He gave a short, weak kind of laugh. "I guess I'm just not used to this, you know? I'm used to having people depending on me. I'm used to being…strong for people; protecting them. It's easy for me to take charge and be the older brother, the parent—but being…partners? Equals? I don't know how to do that. But I…I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry, and I'll try to be better."

Shit. He really felt bad about it, didn't he?

Well, _good!_ part of me thought. Serves him right, treatin' me like some helpless fucking little girl!

But then I thought about him bustin' through those bars an' savin' my ass from that pervert slaver. I thought about him sayin' _I couldn't let him do that to you_, an' about how he'd been by my side through this whole fucking mess, sticking by me and helpin' me out when other guys woulda run for the hills. I thought about where I'd be without Tama, an' how much worse this whole thing woulda been if I was by myself.

Suddenly I felt kind of…warm, an' when Tama finally turned his head to look at me, I didn't look away.

"Look," I said quietly. "I know it don't always seem like it, but…I'm glad you're here." I shifted in my seat, facin' front again. "An' shit, I know how much of a pain in the ass all this is. I mean, I'm sure this ain't how ya planned on spendin' your days before Hokkan, draggin' my pregnant ass all over the fucking countryside. I'm sure ya'd rather be hangin' around with Miaka back at the palace than stuck out here with me."

Shit, what was I sayin'?

"I-I mean, of _course_ ya'd rather be hangin' around with Miaka," I recovered, givin' a little laugh like I didn't give a shit. "Fuck, who wouldn't rather be sittin' all nice an' cozy at the palace with her 'stead a' stuck out here in the fucking rain with some freak a' nature pregnant bandit?"

This just wasn't comin' out right. I cleared my throat an' opened my mouth ta try again, but Tama cut in before I could.

"Tasuki," he said in a soft voice, an' even though he was starin' at the road an' not at me, I was still havin' trouble lookin' at him, an' was almost…_scared_ of what might come outta his mouth next.

Fuck, what the hell was wrong with me? My palms were all sweaty an' my stomach was turnin' fucking cartwheels, an' all 'cause a' what Tamafuckingstupidasshome might say? What the hell did I care what he thought? What the hell did I care if he couldn't wait to get back to Eiyo and Miaka so he could forget this whole fucked up mess ever happened? I mean, it wasn't like I _asked_ him to come along, like I said, _Hey, Tama, ya wanna come get kidnapped by slavers an' spend a couple a' days marchin' through the mud with me? _Shit, no. Hell, I wouldn't even _be_ in this mess if not for him, 'cause it was me tryin' to get away from him that riled up those slavers in the first place—so really, it was his own damn fault he was here, _not fucking mine!_

Goin' through my little piss-ass monologue, I pretty much forgot about Tama sittin' there, an' so the sound of his voice was enough to startle my thoughts into shuttin' up for a sec.

"I think," he said slowly, "that this time away from Miaka is a good thing."

Huh?

"Huh?"

He glanced at me, then right away went back to lookin' at the road, his eyes kinda downcast. "I don't know when it happened," he said quietly, "but somewhere along the line, Miaka became…everything to me. I've done things for her that I would never have dreamed of doing for anyone, and when she went back to her world, I…I shut down. It was like without her, I wasn't complete." He was quiet for a second. "I asked her to marry me. Did you know that?"

I shook my head, realizing that I was starin' at him but havin' a hard time looking away.

"She turned me down," he went on softly. "Later, I realized it was because of what Taiitsukun said to her, but…even so, it made me think. Everything I've done for so long has been for her—to protect her, to keep her near me. But when she turned me down, suddenly I had to think about things—about who I am without her, and what my life will be like if we…can't be together." His voice all of a sudden got harder, firmer, like he was tryin' to convince himself more than me. "I can't let my life revolve around her. No matter how much I love her, I have my family to think about, and I can't afford to let Miaka be my whole life, not when they're depending on me. So I think…I think that this time away is a good thing, because it's letting me remember who I am without her, and that I _am_ someone when she's not with me."

He looked over at me, starin' me straight in the eye. "And…I'm glad I'm here with you. I know you don't like me much, and I don't blame you. And I know that I'm probably the last person you'd want to have with you at a time like this…but I'm still glad I'm here."

I just stared at him for a couple seconds after that, all this _feeling_ wellin' up in my chest. Finally, I reached out an' kinda…punched him on the arm, not hard or anything, just enough to let him know that even if I couldn't put it into words, I was grateful. Only once my hand was there, I didn't wanna take it back right away, so I let it rest there for a second—an' Tama reached over and wrapped his hand over it, givin' my fingers a gentle squeeze like he understood what I was tryin' to say. His hand was real warm against my skin, an' I suddenly felt…safe. Like somehow things were gonna turn out okay, 'cause Tama was here watchin' my back.

An' then the cart hit this big fucking rock in the road an' we jolted apart, Tama grabbin' the reins an' me hangin' onto the edges of my seat, tryin' not to fall off.

After he got the cart steadied, we both just kinda sat there, not talkin' and not really lookin' at each other. After awhile, I turned so I could stare out at the mud and trees again, an' it was awhile before I realized that one of my hands was wrapped over the other one, almost like it was tryin' to keep the warmth of Tama's hand from fading away.

I thought about that for a minute, about what it might mean. An' then I pulled my hands away from each other an' went back to lookin' at the scenery. 'Cause ya know, there are some things that ya just shouldn't even think about—some things that are so fucking stupid and insane that it's better not to even let 'em come into your head, to just ignore 'em an' wait for 'em to go away.

I was sure they'd be goin' away _any_ second now.

_To Be Continued…

* * *

_

**Notes:** The usual Godzilla-sized thanks to the reviewers: Daluci, Whitney-chan2005, Skittles1, Everqueen, Kei-chan1 (waves madly), aderine no miko, Emmi-chan (happy birthday a day early, by the way!), Aenisses Thai, x Belles Reminisce, fluffy-sama's worshiper, Roku kyu (who, again, selflessly doubled as beta reader for this chapter), and Shinyaa. Thanks, all of you, for your feedback!

And now, a preview of chapter five, scheduled to be posted next Monday, May 16!

* * *

_Chapter Five: The River_

_For almost three full seconds after he went under, I just stood there, gasping like I couldn't get enough air and starin' down at the spot where he'd vanished. Tama was down there. Tama was down there in the water, in the _river_, an' the current was so fucking strong that even a guy like him might not be able to fight it. If he was even still conscious, which was lookin' less and less likely with every second he stayed under._

_And what the fuck was I doin', just standin' here? I had to _do_ something!

* * *

_

Shunyata Ryuen


	5. The River

-5-

"Look," Tama said, an' it was clear how fucking tired he was from the sharpness of his voice, "I understand that you don't have any rooms available. But if you could just give us _somewhere_ to stay—"

"I told you; I don't have anywhere to put you," the innkeeper said, an' his ugly little ferret face actually looked kinda sorry. "With that storm going on out there, half of Konan is looking for a place to wait it out, and so we're all filled up."

"Couldn't you just let us stay…in a back room, or something?"

"I could, but unfortunately I've already promised every inch of space I have to other customers—_paying_ customers, for that matter."

Tama looked insulted. "I told you I'd work off the debt."

"I believe you," the guy sighed. "And I don't like the idea of sending you back out there, especially when your wife is expecting, but I honestly don't have anywhere to put you."

I swore and leaned my back against the counter. It was bad enough that our cart got stuck in the mud an' we hadda fucking _walk_ the whole way here, just 'cause I couldn't ride a horse in my 'condition.' But now that we were finally here, at the only goddamn inn around for miles, now this ferret-faced bastard was tryin' to tell us that we were gonna hafta go back out there and trudge some _more_ through the fucking mud—

"Huh-uh," I said. "No way. No _fucking_ way I'm goin' back out there. Sorry, pops, but yer gonna hafta throw me out on my ass if ya want me outta here, 'cause I ain't movin'."

"N-Now, look," the guy stammered. "I told you that I don't like this any more than you do, but—"

"If ya don't like it, then _you_ go stay out in the fucking rain an' we'll take _your_ room!"

The place got real quiet, an' suddenly everybody in it was starin' at us. Nosy bastards.

The innkeeper was lookin' pretty nervous, an' since I was glarin' at him like I could set him on fire just with the power of my mind, he turned to Tama for help. "S-Sir, if you could…calm your wife, and explain to her that I really can't—"

"Explain it to her yourself," Tama said, an' his voice was about as icy as it ever got. "She's standing right there."

"I-I realize that, sir, but if you could just—"

It was tough with my stomach bulgin' out like it was, but I still managed to lean over the counter, grab the guy by the collar, and drag him forward so his face was right in front a' mine. An' he _still_ fucking looked over at Tama, like one word outta his mouth would make me back down. "All right, asshole," I growled. "Ya got somethin' to say, ya say it to _me_."

His eyes snapped back to me, all big and nervous, an' after I was satisfied that he knew who was callin' the shots, I let him go an' folded my arms over my chest. "Now what's this shit about not havin' any room? You tellin' me that in this whole fucking inn, ya don't have _one_ room that ain't rented out to somebody?"

The guy spent a minute smoothing out his shirt, 'cause I'd rumpled it up pretty bad, an' then he sighed and leaned his elbows on the counter. "All right," he said in a low voice. "There is _one_ place I could let you stay."

I flashed a grin at Tama. Nothin' like good old fashioned bandit intimidation to get things done.

"Aside from running this inn," the guy went on, keepin' his voice down so Tama an' me hadda lean in to hear him, "I also raise livestock. The stable's a little ways from here, up on the hill across the river. I don't normally let anyone stay there, but…" He sighed again. "But look, the truth is that it's pouring outside, business is booming, and I don't have time to get up there tonight to feed and water the animals. So if you do that for me—if you take care of my animals—I'll let you stay there. Just keep it to yourselves, all right? I can't afford to do this sort of thing for everyone."

I didn't want to, but I had to feel a little bit of grudging respect for the guy after that. I mean, he coulda just told us to fuck off, an' I sure as hell hadn't made it seem like he could trust us, but he was still gonna help us out.

"Thank you," Tama said, givin' the guy a real low, grateful bow. "We really appreciate this."

"Yeah," I said, "and, uh, sorry about roughin' ya up."

The guy chuckled and rubbed his throat. "No hard feelings. I understand completely. My wife was just as irrational and emotional when she was expecting."

That did it. Any feelings of gratitude I mighta had flew right out the window and I lunged for the guy, ready to haul him across the counter an' pound the shit outta him. Lucky for him, Tama got himself in front of me and wrestled me over to the door.

"Well, thanks again!" Tama called brightly, wavin' to the innkeeper like he wasn't a stupid fucking jackass of a bastard. "Have a good evening!"

Once we were outside, where it was just startin' to get dark and the rain was still pourin' down, I crossed my arms and glared at Tama. "Ya shoulda let me hit 'im," I growled. "'Irrational and emotional.' What a fucking _bastard_."

Tama looked like he was tryin' not to smile. "Yeah, the nerve of that guy, blaming it on your pregnancy. You're no more irrational and emotional than you've ever been."

"That's right! I'm no more…" I trailed off as the words sank in and narrowed my eyes at Tama, but he was all innocence, blinkin' at me like he didn't have a fucking clue why I might be glarin' at him. Shithead.

Anyway, so after a little bit of walkin', we came to the river the guy'd been talkin' about, an' the bridge that was s'posed to get us to the other side. An' hell if it wasn't the oldest, ricketiest piece of shit I ever saw. It was real narrow, with all these fucking _gaps_ between the boards—an' down below it was a river full a' deep, churning water, raised up almost as high as the bridge thanks to all the rain.

"I don't know about this, Tama," I said, comin' to an uneasy stop an' listenin' to the creaky sounds the bridge was makin' in the wind. "That stable ain't gonna do us much good if we end up at the bottom of the fucking river."

Tama looked at the bridge for a second, an' I could tell that he wasn't too thrilled about it either—but I guess he also figured we didn't have much fucking choice. "I'm sure it's all right," he said, an' he _almost_ sounded like he meant it. "But if it'd make you feel better, I could go first and test it."

I sighed. There was turnin' out to be way too much fucking _water_ on this trip. "Nah, that's okay," I gritted out, an' started out onto the bridge before Tama got his ass in gear. "Let's just get this over with."

At least there were ropes to hang onto while we were crossin', but it was still pretty fucking dicey, creepin' our way across. The river was so loud I couldn't hear anything else, an' since I hadda keep my eyes down so I didn't stick my foot right through one a' the gaps in the wood, I got to look at the water for the whole fan_tastic_ trip over. Tama kept pretty far back from me while we were goin', makin' sure our weight was balanced enough so the bridge didn't sag right into the water, but it wasn't 'til I stepped back onto solid ground that I felt like I could breathe again.

Once I was there, I turned around, lettin' my shoulders slump as all the tension I'd been buildin' up started fadin' away…an' then there was this cracking sound from upriver, loud enough for me to hear it even over the roar of the water. Snappin' my head around to look, I was just in time to see this huge fucking branch splinter off a tree and slam down into the water.

Those first couple seconds, I was so stunned I could only stare, an' by the time I figured out what was gonna happen—by the time I realized the water was movin' real fast and so that big fucking branch was, too—it was too late. I turned back to Tama, seein' the shock and comprehension on his face an' thinkin' I'd dash out there an' pull him onto solid ground—but I just couldn't move fast enough. The branch smashed into the bridge, tearin' through the rope and rippin' right through the wooden planks…an' Tama fell. Disappeared into all that dirty gray water and didn't come up again.

For almost three full seconds after he went under, I just stood there, gasping like I couldn't get enough air and starin' down at the spot where he'd vanished. Tama was down there. Tama was down there in the water, in the _river_, an' the current was so fucking strong that even a guy like him might not be able to fight it. If he was even still conscious, which was lookin' less and less likely with every second he stayed under.

And what the fuck was I doin', just standin' here? I had to _do_ something!

My hands were shakin', but I still managed to get the knapsack off my shoulder and start diggin' through it. We'd got it from inside the cart, an' I was pretty sure I remembered seein'—_there!_ A coil of real thick, sturdy rope.

The ground was muddy, slidin' out from under my feet, but somehow I managed to make my way downriver. I don't know what I was thinkin' about doin'—pretty hard to throw a rope to somebody who's half-drowned and unconscious—but Suzaku musta been on my side, 'cause all of a sudden I saw Tama.

There was this rock in the middle of the river, almost completely covered by the water, an' Tama was sprawled on top of it. He wasn't movin', an' from the way the current was tugging at him, he wouldn't be there for long…but he was there. I could save him.

All I'd hafta do was go into the water.

I started shaking.

Fuck. Maybe I could go for help instead—get that innkeeper, or somebody else who could—

_Shit, Tasuki, think! The fucking bridge is gone! How the hell're you gonna get over there to _get_ help? _

No. _I_ hadda do this. I was the only one who could.

There was this big tree right alongside the water, so I went over to it and wrapped the rope around its trunk. My fingers were freezin' from the rain, so the rope kept slipping, but finally I got it tied an' turned back to the river, terrified that Tama wouldn't be there...

But he was. He was still there, an' so I knotted the rope around me, under my armpits but above my belly, tied the thing as tight as I could…and waded down the flooded banks and into the river.

My feet went out from under me right away, and suddenly I was underwater. I almost lost it right there, my whole body freezing up with this choking panic that was so sudden, so terrifying, that I came this close to sucking in a breath. I fought the urge, though, and after what felt like hours instead of seconds, the rope finally stretched taut and I could try to get my feet under me again. The second my head went above water, I gasped in a lungful of air. My heart was hammering in my chest, and my breaths were sounding a little too much like sobs, but I couldn't waste time calming myself down; I had to get to Tama _now_. Seeing that the river'd dragged me pretty close to where he was lyin', I swiped the wet hair outta my eyes and started towards him.

I hadda fight my way through every step, choking when the water splashed into my nose an' mouth, shaking with cold and paralyzing fucking terror, barely able to see 'cause the rain was still pourin' down and it was gettin' dark out. But I kept going, 'cause Tama was in trouble and I was all he had to save him.

I just kept repeating that to myself. _Tama's in trouble an' I'm all he has. Tama's in trouble an' I'm the only one who can save him_.

Finally, I reached him. I didn't even check to see if he was breathing or if his heart was beating or anything; I just got my arms around him and heaved, thinkin' I'd deal with that stuff once we were outta the water. Only problem was, the guy was _heavy_—deadweight—an' no matter how much I pulled and fought and strained, I just couldn't fucking lift him! I tried again, puttin' all my strength into it, but I just…_couldn't_—

I slumped against the rock, gasping for breath and tryin' not to cry from the frustration of it all. What the fuck was I gonna do? The river was gonna drag him off, and all 'cause I just didn't have the strength to—

_Tasuki, you DUMBASS! _

For fuck's sake, I was so scared the river was gonna carry him off—why not _let_ it?

Since I'd come upriver some, the rope wasn't stretched taut anymore; there was enough slack for me to loop it around Tama, tuggin' on it 'til it was pulled tight around his upper chest. Once I had a good grip on it, holding it tight against me so there was no loose rope between us, I grabbed onto Tama an' pushed him in the same direction the river was pulling—

And it actually _worked_. Tama slid into the water, got caught in the current—an' the rope yanked me along after him, ripping my feet out from under me an' sweepin' both of us downriver. By the time I got my feet under me again, we'd been dragged down as far as the rope could stretch, but I wasn't about to complain.

Now that he was in the water, Tama was a hell of a lot easier to move. I had my arms around his chest, lettin' the back of his head lean on my shoulder while the rest of him floated out in front, the river carryin' most of his weight. When I was sure I had a good grip on him, I started inching my way over to the shore, takin' little backwards steps and tryin' not to think about how still he was, how I should definitely be able to feel him breathing against me.

_Think about that later. Just get him outta the river._

Time seemed to blur, and before I knew it, I was dragging him through shallower water, where the current was still a bitch but at least there were flooded bushes and weeds and stuff to give my boots some purchase. It was real slow going, hauling him step after step up the hill, an' the lower the water level got, the heavier he got. Finally, though, I was heaving him up onto solid ground and slumping onto the grass beside him, my muscles burning, my whole body shaking.

He looked dead. His skin was gray, cold, and I knew he wasn't breathing. I was almost afraid to check for his pulse, but I knew I had to, so I pressed my fingers against his throat, forgetting to breathe while I felt around, tryin' to find the spot—praying I hadn't already found it and he was just dead. _Where the fuck was it?_

There! It was weak, but I could feel it. His heart was beating. There was still a chance.

Leaning over him, I tilted his head back, pinched his nose, and covered his lips with my mouth. They were freezing cold, barely human—but now wasn't the time to fall apart, so instead I focused on what I was doin' and _breathed_. I just kept doin' it over an' over, pushin' the air into Tama's lungs, prayin' to Suzaku and any other god who was listenin' that any second now, he'd start breathin' on his own…any second now…

Suddenly, he twitched. I breathed into his mouth again, nothin' goin' through my mind but _please please please please…_and the twitch turned into a watery coughing fit, and just like that he was breathing. He didn't open his eyes yet, but hell, I was fine with that. The guy could sleep for a week as long as he kept on breathing!

I laughed, even though it came out soundin' more like a sob, and I was so fucking exhausted and glad and scared that I collapsed onto Tama's chest, restin' my head there and listenin' to the strong sound of his heartbeat and the rhythm of his breathing.

He was alive.

I did it.

I laughed again, and for once didn't care that there were tears streamin' down my cheeks.

I fucking _did_ it. Even though I was pregnant and couldn't swim and had trouble walkin' down a muddy road without fallin' on my ass, I'd saved Tama. I'd gone into that river and pulled him out, and now he was alive 'cause of _me_.

Tama coughed again, makin' me sit up—and after a second or two, his eyes slid open, an' he blinked up at me with this confused look on his face.

"Tasuki?" he whispered. "What…"

I watched the understanding come into his eyes, watched 'em get real wide and suddenly flick over towards the river…and then back to me.

"You…pulled me out?" he managed, soundin' somewhere between awed and grateful.

I gave him as much of a grin as I could manage. "Shit, ya think I'd let ya get yourself drowned? Miaka'd fucking _kill_ me. Not to mention what Nuriko would—"

All of a sudden, my stomach seized up, gettin' all weird an' tight. I clasped my hands over it, wonderin' what the fuck was goin' on—and then the pain started, not too bad but real uncomfortable, like somebody had a good grip on my insides and was _twisting_. It faded after a couple seconds, but not before I felt this warm, sticky liquid on my thighs. The hell? I was damn sure I hadn't pissed myself, so then what—

The pain hit again before I figured it out, clenching and twisting, and I felt another gush of sticky fluid comin' outta me. I started wonderin' if maybe I _had_ pissed myself, but no, it didn't feel right for that. It felt more like…

My breath caught.

…like _blood_.

The baby. Oh, _Suzaku_, I hadn't even been thinkin' about that, but what if goin' into that freezing cold water and doin' all that stuff…what if it hurt the baby? What if it…broke somethin', and now the kid was _dying_ and that was what I was feeling?

I couldn't help it—I started cryin' again.

I'd killed him. I spent all this time tryin' to protect the little guy and keep him safe, and now he was gonna die. He was gonna die.

"Tasuki…_Tasuki!_" I suddenly figured out that there were hands on my shoulders, and opened my eyes to see Tama sitting there in front of me, lookin' at me with this helpless, worried expression on his face.

But fuck me, I just kept blubberin'.

"Oh, shit, Tama, I killed him," I sobbed, an' fell into him, cryin' into his shirt. "I killed him…I _killed_ him…"

Tama was movin' kinda slow, but after a second his arms went around me and I felt his hand on my hair, smoothin' it back from my forehead.

"Shh," he said, an' I tried to stop cryin' but every time I started calming down I'd think about that baby inside a' me who was dying or _dead_ an' I'd start up again, 'til I could hardly breathe an' there was nothin' Tama could do but hold onto me.

"Tasuki…_please_," he said after awhile, soundin' real confused, like he didn't know what to do for me. "Please talk to me. What do you mean, 'you killed him?' Who do you—" He sucked in a breath. "The baby? Do you mean the baby?"

I coughed and rubbed my eyes; my voice was rough from cryin', an' was shakin' so bad I could hardly understand it myself. "Of _course _I fucking mean the baby!"

Tama went real still. His voice was weird; soft. "Why do you think you killed him?"

"Because I _felt_ it! There was this _pain_ down there, and I-I think I'm bleeding…"

"Bleeding? But you're not— Oh, Suzaku," he breathed suddenly. "Tasuki. Tasuki, look at me. You didn't kill him." He swallowed, and for the first time, _he_ looked afraid. "You're going into labor."

_To Be Continued…

* * *

_

**Notes:** First off, let's have a round of applause for the reviewers: Emmi-chan, Daluci, Kei-chan1, x Belles Reminisce, Skittles1, Roku Kyu (and thanks for the con-crit! helpful _and_ entertaining), and Everqueen. Your reviews are _very_ much appreciated, especially for what was essentially a transition chapter.

Second, the usual bucketload of thanks heaped upon Roku Kyu for her beta-reading job. This chapter in particular took a lot of work due to the river sequence, leading to poor Roku having read this thing at least seventeen times by now. Now _that's_ a committed editor! (Roku: Or one who needs to _be_ committed…)

And now, for a preview of chapter six, to be posted next Monday, May 23!

* * *

_Chapter Six: Birth_

_Finally, the contraction started fading—and this time, I didn't even get six seconds break before the next one came rollin' in. My body curled up, bending towards my knees, and it was right about then that I knew I was in trouble.  
_

_"Oh, shit," I gasped. "Oh, fuck. Tama, I can't fucking do this! Tama—!" _

_I couldn't help it; I _screamed_. Screamed like I was dyin', 'cause it sure as fuck felt like I was. I mean, I've been beaten an' stabbed an' a million other nasty things, but right hand up to Suzaku, I _never_ felt pain like that before. An' knowin' that I wasn't gonna get a break from it, that the pain was just gonna keep comin' and comin', faster an' harder 'til my body just couldn't take it anymore—it stripped me of all the hope an' control an' sanity I had left, an' I screamed until my throat was raw and my voice gave out._

_An' just like that, I knew: I couldn't do this.

* * *

_

Shunyata Ryuen


	6. Birth

_(This chapter co-authored by Roku Kyu)_

-6-

I just stared at him for a second, 'cause the words didn't make any sense. "But…the blood," I managed.

"It's not blood," he insisted, and before I remembered to be embarrassed, he lifted the bottom of my dress up, just enough for me to see the clear liquid runnin' down my legs. "Your water broke."

"My…wha?"

Just when it was startin' to sink in that Tama meant I was about to have the baby, an' _that_ meant that the little guy was still alive an' okay, there was another spasm from my stomach and I doubled up, every muscle in my body goin' tight.

Through the pain, I felt Tama's hands on my shoulders, then on the sides of my face. He was sayin' somethin', but I couldn't quite make out—

"Tasuki, _breathe_. Listen to me. Take deep breaths."

Easy for him to fucking say! But I tried to do what he said, an' either 'cause I was concentratin' on it so hard or else 'cause doin' it actually worked, the pain faded…and then finally went away.

It was weird, but once the pain stopped, I felt pretty okay—normal, almost. Well, as normal as a pregnant bandit can get. Still, it was weird to feel so okay when somethin' like this was happenin', when this was _it._ I mean, here we were, out in the middle of nowhere, nobody but me an' half-drowned Tama, an' I was about to have a _baby_.

This sense of urgency hit me then, makin' me push away from Tama an' crawl kinda shakily to my feet. For once, I didn't get pissed when he put his arm around me to support me.

"Tama, we gotta get movin' while I still _can_ move," I said. "If that pain hits again…" I shook my head, havin' trouble findin' the words, but he got it.

He didn't waste any time replying, just tightened his arm around me as we started haulin' ass up the hill. An' it wasn't no fucking picnic, but we made it okay; I was still feelin' all right, barely any pain 'cept the occasional cramp, an' none of 'em were too bad—just real uncomfortable.

After a hell of a long hike, we got to the stable, an' it was this squat little building with chipping paint and scuffling animal sounds comin' from inside. I was just openin' my mouth to cuss out the innkeeper when my muscles started goin' all tight again, an' somehow I knew it wasn't gonna be another wussy cramp. This was gonna be a Big One.

"_Shit_, Tama," was all I managed to get out, staggerin' over to the wall of the stable so I could lean against it—an' then the pain hit hard, squeezin' and twistin' everything I had. An' I couldn't even scream, 'cause it was all I could do just to breathe, takin' in these little gasps of air that didn't quite fill my lungs but were all I could manage. I felt my knees go out from under me but didn't fall down, 'cause the stable was hard against my back an' I was clingin' to somethin' solid in front a' me.

Finally, the pain started backin' down, fadin' away like it had before, clearin' the haze from my eyes—an' I realized with a jolt that I had my arms wrapped around Tama's neck. He was pressed up against me, his arms braced against the stable wall, holdin' me up. I felt my face turn about six shades of red—I mean, what the hell must he be thinkin', havin' me holdin' onto him like that?

But he just pulled back an' gave me this serious look, like there was nothin' weird at all about me hangin' all over him. "Do you think you can move now?"

Suddenly, the ground was just _fascinatin'_—ya know, all that mud and rain-drenched grass. Couldn't seem to take my eyes off it. "Uh-huh."

Tama got his arm around me again, still actin' like this was all the most fucking natural thing in the world, an' a couple a' hurried steps took us over to the stable door. Tama kicked it open, an' I got a whiff of warm hay an' horse shit; from somewhere inside came nervous whinnying an' the long, agitated low of some pissed off cow.

Great fucking place to have a baby, I thought, an' then we were inside an' Tama was lookin' around, tryin' to see by the little bit of daylight still tricklin' in through the door. Finally, he spotted somethin' an' hurried forward, an' a second later was at the stalls in the back, strippin' the blanket off a' the old plow horse, who snorted at the intrusion. Tama tossed the blanket over a big pile of feed hay, then looked over to where I was leanin' against the door.

"Tasuki…" he said, soundin' kinda nervous, but I was too scared of when the next pain might hit to give him any attitude. Without a word, I hurried over and sat down on the blanket, tryin' not to fidget while Tama piled the hay up behind my back to support me. An' even though the blanket was prickly an' smelled like horse, I wasn't about to complain; it was better'n havin' jabby ends of hay shoved up my ass.

"Wait here," Tama told me—like I was gonna run off an' go dancin' or somethin'. An' then he was hustlin' over to the firepit on the other side of the room, kneelin' down on the stone floor in front of it.

Good thing the innkeeper actually used this place, I thought, 'cause he kept the floor swept clean, an' he had a big pile of dry wood an' some fire tongs an' hammers layin' around for us to use. While Tama got the fire goin', I took back half the nasty things I'd been sayin' about that bastard of an innkeeper. But _only_ half, 'cause we wouldn't've fucking _needed_ this stable if he'd given us a room. An' at least at the inn, there mighta been a midwife or somethin', or at least _some_ woman who knew about birthin' babies.

But here there was only me, who didn't know shit, and…Tama.

Another pain hit me, but it was just one of those crampy little spasms, enough to hurt but not enough to take my breath away. Brought reality home to me real quick, though. This was gonna happen, here and now, an' I sure as shit hoped Tama knew what he was doin', 'cause he was all I had.

Tama turned back from the fire then, an' I guess some of the fear an' resignation musta shown on my face, 'cause he came over an' knelt beside me. After a second, he clasped our palms together, not like he was holdin' my hand to comfort me, but more like it was a promise between guys; an oath. "We're going to get through this," he said, an' his voice was real firm, completely unafraid. "Listen. Tasuki, in my village, there are girls who get married off young—when they're only fourteen or fifteen—because…well, a married-off daughter is one less mouth to feed. But these girls…_they_ have babies, and they come through it fine all the time. And if they can do it, then I have to believe that we can, too."

Made sense. I mean, shit, I'd heard a' girls younger'n fifteen havin' babies and gettin' through it okay. But still, I couldn't help thinkin' that not _all_ of 'em made it through. Bad things happened to girls havin' babies all the time, an' not just the real young ones—it happened to grown women, too. Like Tama's mother.

But sittin' there in that stable, so scared I could hardly see straight, I _needed_ to believe what Tama was sayin', an' maybe he needed to believe it, too. So I nodded, squeezin' his hand an' managin' a shaky smile.

"Sure, Tama. But what's with this 'we' shit?"

Tama didn't smile at my smartass tone, just reached out an' covered my hand with both of his, his eyes starin' straight into mine so I couldn't help seein' the truth in 'em. "You're not in this alone," he said softly.

He looked like he wanted to say more, but the pain hit again before he could, an' it was another fuckin' big one. I squeezed my eyes shut against it, holdin' real tight onto Tama's hand an' tryin' to remember to breathe—an' somehow, knowin' Tama was in this with me, feelin' the proof of it in our clasped hands, I started thinkin' that maybe I _could_ get through this. I mean, the pain was bad, but it wasn't _unbearable_—nothin' I couldn't handle. An' shit, Tama was right—two Suzaku seishi oughta be able to do what some dippy peasant girl could do. No sweat!

Three hours later, I wasn't feelin' so sure. There were no more of those wimpy little cramp pains—oh, no. Every damn one was big and gut-wrenching and somehow worse than the last one, an' they were comin' closer together, too, so I only had around thirty seconds to rest in between.

"Oh, shit," I managed to wheeze out as another one hit me, makin' me curl forward so I was sittin' almost all the way up an' hangin' onto my knees. An' I started wondering, not for the first time in the last couple hours, if maybe Tama was wrong—if maybe this _wasn't_ normal and the baby _was_ dyin'…or maybe I was. 'Cause shit, it felt like everything from my lower abdomen to my ribcage was on fire, an' if the pain kept up for any fucking longer, I was pretty damn sure I'd have nothin' left in there but smoking cinders—no baby, no insides, just ashes.

Fuck, this one was goin' on too long! It was like it was never fucking gonna stop, squeezin' and rippin' at my stomach, wrenching deep inside a' me. All of a sudden, this wave of nausea hit hard, an' I barely had time to turn my head to one side before I threw up all over the hay. I hadn't had much to eat for the past few days, but it was still disgusting, especially with all the river water I musta swallowed when I was rescuin' Tama. That sour smell mixed with the stink of the river got me goin' all over again, an' I kept throwin' up like I was gonna puke the baby outta my body. Somewhere in there, the labor pain musta stopped, but it didn't make no difference to me, 'cause now I was hurtin' in my throat an' chest, an' I couldn't breathe in 'cause I was afraid I'd inhale that shit an' drown in my own vomit. All I could was blink the hot tears outta my eyes and howl this long, miserable wail that made the cows stomp in their stalls.

Suddenly, the puke-sodden hay was whisked out from under my nose, and a cold wet cloth was pressed to the back of my neck.

"Here, Tasuki." I opened my eyes an' saw a ladle of water right in front of me. "Rinse your mouth and spit it out."

I did what he said, gettin' a moment's comfort from the cool water in my mouth—but then another pain hit an' so did the nausea, an' I kept on emptyin' my stomach over an' over again, 'til I was _sure_ there was nothin' left…but there always was, an' my throat was so raw an' I had so little time to breathe that I couldn't even cry. I just had to lie there an' wait for it to end, thinkin' the whole time that I'd never been so disgusting in my life.

But Tama stayed right by me the whole time, rubbin' my back an' replacing the cloth on my neck, all the time murmuring soft words of comfort. And finally, there really _was_ nothin' left inside me, an' I was down to just dry retches. Tama made me take a little water again, an' while I sipped it, he cleaned up the puke an' then cleaned up _me_, wipin' my mouth an' face with clean, wet cloths that smelled like rain. An' when the pain seemed to back down for a little while, an' my stomach felt like it might be settlin' down, I risked opening my eyes and looked up at him.

I expected him to look…I don't know, _sick_ or somethin', but he was just a little pale. He was still dabbing at my face with the cloth, real gentle and careful even though his hand was shaking, an' I suddenly wondered how he could stand to be this close to me—how he could stand to _touch_ me when I was prob'ley the most miserable, revolting person he'd ever seen in his life.

I felt a hot rush of shame at that thought, an' lowered my eyes. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't worry about it," he said quietly, like it was nothin'—like he did this sorta thing every day. An' then while I was still starin' at him in shock, he took the empty ladle from my hands, filled it up, and gave it back to me to drink. "This is all normal," he went on. "And your contractions are coming pretty close together."

"No shit," I managed weakly.

He gave me a faint smile, but it was gone before I could blink. "What I meant was that that's good—it means it's almost time for the baby to come out. If they were further apart, we might wait more than a day before it was time. But maybe because of the spell, the birth will be faster."

"Fuck," I whispered. "You mean women go through this for fucking _days?_"

Tama nodded. "My mother was in labor with Yuiren for thirty-one hours. I don't think her contractions were as bad as yours, not until nearer to the end, but…"

I shut my eyes, havin' a hard time believin' it. Thirty one hours. Thirty one _fucking_ hours to have a kid, thirty-one hours of dealin' with this kinda pain… Shit, I'd only been through a tenth of that time, an' already I didn't think I could take any more.

I suddenly thought about my mom, havin' all those babies, one after the fucking other. Did it hurt her like this every time? An' if it did, why the _hell_ did she keep havin' kids? It was fucking _nuts!_ Why go through that kinda pain over an' over again just to bring more shit-faced little brats into the world?

Of course, _I_ was one of those shit-faced little brats, an' if she'd stopped after the first one (or the fifth, for that matter), I wouldn't even be here.

But why go through that over an' over? I just didn't get it. How the hell could it be worth it, goin' through all that gut-wrenching agony _six fucking times?_

An' speaking of gut-wrenching agony…

The pain rolled in, one of those fucking 'contractions,' as Tama called 'em. Good name, too, 'cause that's what they felt like, like giant hands grabbin' my organs and contractin' their grip. Stars exploded behind my eyes, but I started countin', 'cause these fuckers couldn't go on forever—they _hadda_ let up, usually by the time I got to sixty. Fifty-nine, sixty…yeah!

Now I could lean back against the hay and relax for at least a half a minute—but before even ten seconds went by, there was another one, even bigger than the fucker before it! An' not only did it hurt like hell, but I was totally unprepared for it when it hit—all I could do was choke in a couple a' breaths and hang on to Tama's hand, squeezin' it hard, letting it anchor me so the pain didn't sweep me away an' swallow me whole.

Finally, the contraction started fading—and this time, I didn't even get _six_ seconds break before the next one came rollin' in. My body curled up, bending towards my knees, and it was right about then that I knew I was in trouble.

"Oh, shit," I gasped. "Oh, fuck. Tama, I can't fucking do this! Tama—!"

I couldn't help it; I _screamed_. Screamed like I was dyin', 'cause it sure as fuck felt like I was. I mean, I've been beaten an' stabbed an' a million other nasty things, but right hand up to Suzaku, I _never_ felt pain like that before. An' knowin' that I wasn't gonna get a break from it, that the pain was just gonna keep comin' and comin', faster an' harder 'til my body just couldn't take it anymore—it stripped me of all the hope an' control an' sanity I had left, an' I screamed until my throat was raw and my voice gave out.

I don't know how long it took or how many contractions I had in a row, but finally they faded for more than two seconds, an' I fell back against the hay, gasping and crying weakly. Somehow I was still clinging to Tama's hand, an' I wondered dimly if I'd crushed his fingers to powder. Just then, I felt him peelin' his fingers outta mine, makin' like he was gonna leave.

Panic welled up in my chest. Shit, I couldn't do this alone—where was he goin'?

"Shh," he said, an' I guess I musta cried out or somethin'. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to check on the baby."

Check on the—? _Oh_. He meant…

An' sure enough, he crawled down to my feet and, real carefully, pushed my knees apart an' slid my filthy wet dress up to my waist.

Ya'd think that with the pain an' the puke an' the tears, I wouldn't have any sense of shame left, but I still felt my face gettin' hot when the cold air hit my thighs. I mean, I knew that Tama hadda do it, but I couldn't help feelin' naked and ashamed with him lookin' at me there, lookin' at me where it was real fucking clear what a freak of nature I was. In fact, at first I tried to close my legs, keep him from lookin', but he just pried 'em apart again, real gentle and patient, an' so I lay back and closed my eyes an' tried to pretend I was anywhere but here.

"Tasuki," he whispered suddenly, an' the awe in his voice jerked me outta my shame an' made me look at him. And even though I couldn't fucking see why, he was _smiling._ "I can see the head. I can see the baby's head."

I blinked at him. "Are you shittin' me?"

"No. Now listen, the next time a contraction comes—"

Speak of the fucking devil. This one came on so suddenly that I didn't waste any time cringeing or crying or swearing. I just let loose again and _screamed_.

"Tasuki!" Tama shouted over the sound of my howling. "Tasuki, _push!_"

_PUSH?_ How the fuck—? Push what? _With_ what?

But my body understood even if I didn't, 'cause suddenly I _was_ pushing, tightening already tight muscles an' shoving everything down, out, _out_—!

The pain tapered off for a second then an' I lay back again, the stable ceiling swimming in front of my eyes an' my breath coming in shallow little gasps. An' even though the contraction was gone for now, I still fucking _hurt_ down there, only it was a different kind of hurt—felt almost like I was bein'…stretched, like something solid and _so ridiculously fucking big_ was stuck inside of me, half in an' half out, an' even though I wanted like hell to get it out, get it _outta me_, I just didn't have the strength to push anymore. I was so tired an' dizzy an' hot, an' every breath meant more pain an' fuck, why did I ever think I could do this?

"Tasuki, you have to keep pushing!"

"FUCK YOU, TAMA! _YOU_ FUCKIN' PUSH!" I snarled. "I can't—" I broke off, sobbing. "I can't push anymore. I can't…oh, _Suzaku_!"

More pain. More fucking pain, this time so sharp and blinding that I couldn't even scream—couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe! Oh, fuck, I was gonna die! My body felt so heavy all of a sudden, an' I felt this sticky warmth on my thighs, smelled blood—_my_ blood. An' there was still that awful stretching _pressure_ down there that felt like it was gonna rip me in half, an' the dizziness was so bad that I gagged, an' prob'ley woulda puked again if not for the fact there wasn't any puke left in me anymore.

An' just like that, I knew: I couldn't do this.

It calmed me a little bit, realizin' that, knowin' it was true.

I couldn't do this. It was as simple as that. I was never meant to have a baby, an' now that I was stuck in the middle of havin' one, it was gonna kill me. I just didn't have the strength to keep pushing, to suffer through one more minute of this fucking pain, an' there was nothin' left to do but give up. So I lay back against the hay, closed my eyes, an' waited to die. No, I wasn't just waiting—I was _wishing_ for it. Praying for it. Please, Suzaku. Please just let me die so I don't have to hurt anyfuckingmore…

I don't know if I said any of that out loud or not, but suddenly there was this…heat against my forehead, an' when I opened my eyes Tama was _right there_. His forehead was resting against mine an' his face was swimming in the red glow of his seishi symbol, an' his eyes were so fierce that I could only stare at 'em in shock.

"No," he said in this low, furious voice. "You are _not_ giving up. You are _not_! Do you hear me, Tasuki? _You are not giving up!_"

I looked away, even though it was pretty damn hard with his eyes right there in front of mine, an' tried to swallow even though my throat was dry from screaming. "I-I can't do this, Tama," I managed to shake out. "It's too hard. It hurts too fucking much; I-I can't…"

"GODDAMN YOU, YES, YOU CAN! YOU _CAN!_ You have to. _Please_, Tasuki…"

Meetin' his eyes again, I saw that they were like they'd been back on the slaver's ship—dark, angry, but…different, 'cause even through all the fury I could still see Tama in there. An' I could feel his hand clasped in mine, our palms pressed so tight together that it almost seemed like they were part of the same limb. An' suddenly it felt like maybe I could borrow some of Tama's strength just through the press of his skin, like maybe it wasn't just _me_ against all this pain, just me alone with the agony and the fear and the blood.

Tama was with me.

Right on time, another contraction grabbed onto me an' twisted—an' this time, with Tama's angry, pleading eyes right in front of mine an' Tama's strength seepin' into me through my palm, I didn't back away from it. I didn't cringe or run or wish to Suzaku it'd go away—I got right in its fucking face and let myself _feel_ it. It was like standin' in the middle of a fucking firestorm, an' for the first couple seconds I thought that bein' in the thick of all that naked, undiluted agony was gonna kill me. But somehow, facing it down, meeting it head-on instead of cowerin' in the corner…it _did_ somethin' to me, made me feel stronger, more like me again. More like maybe, _maybe_, I could do this. Maybe I could get outta this okay.

Tama let go of my hand, an' I knew it was 'cause he was goin' back down to check on the baby—an' that was okay, 'cause I was back. I was still _Tasuki_, goddamn it, an' there was no way I was quittin' now, not after all I'd gone through to get here. NO FUCKING WAY!

"_Push!_" Tama kept yellin', so I did. I gathered up every last scraping bit of strength I had an' even some I didn't, an' I fucking _pushed_. An' every couple a' seconds, I was sure I was at my limit—that there was no way I could keep pushing for even another second—but I did it anyway, just kept _pushing_.

An' somewhere in there…somewhere in there I felt this sudden release, like all the pressure that'd been buildin' up inside of me was finally sliding out, gettin' the hell outta me and fading away for good. I fell back against the hay, gasping for breath, crying with the relief of knowing that it was over, it was _over_—

Except that I finally remembered what was supposed to be happenin' now, that there was supposed to be a baby cryin' somewhere, but I didn't hear anything, anything at _all_—

An' that was wrong, so wrong that I sat straight up in spite of the blood and the muck and the pain, lookin' around for Tama an' tryin' not to panic. I finally spotted him near the fire, an' he was holdin' somethin', somethin' small that he brought up to his mouth. He had his mouth on its face an' he was suckin' and spittin' somethin' out, then rubbing that tiny thing briskly with another cloth—

—an' that was when I heard it.

It was a real quiet sound, like a cough or a gurgle, but then suddenly it turned into these little gasping sobs that I'd never heard before but recognized anyway, knew better than the sound of my own voice.

My baby. _My baby_. Tama had him cradled in his arms, starin' down at him an' then over at me with tears in his eyes, an' then finally he was crawling over to me and lowering him into my arms—

"It's a girl, Tasuki. We've got a little girl."

His voice was all funny an' shaky, an' I didn't even care that he said "we," 'cause she _was_ ours, his as much as mine.

I looked down an' there she was, this wet, wrinkled little thing with black fuzz on her head an' little spots of my blood on her face, which was all scrunched up while she cried. She had lots of white stuff like cream on her skin, and the cord that had connected her to me was still red and round up to the place where Tama had tied it off. She was real funny-lookin,' not exactly a pretty sight, but I held her against me, feeling that she was warm and breathing and alive, _okay_ despite all the shit that'd brought us to this point.

And just like that, I understood. I understood why my mom went through this—why _all_ women went through this, even though it hurt like hell an' ya felt like your insides were being turned into fucking soup while it was goin' on.

It was for this. For her. For a squirmy little baby in your arms with a scrunched up face and tiny, fragile, perfect hands that wave around in the air. For the first time she opens her eyes and looks up at you, and you know. You know she's yours, and even though you just met her, you know you'd die for her in a heartbeat. You know you'd do anything to keep her happy and safe, to keep her warm, to make her give you one of those looks that's so full of calm trust that you're gonna take care of her. You just know, and suddenly _everything_ seems worth it.

Holdin' her in my arms, still cryin' like _I_ was the goddamn baby, I looked over at Tama. He was kneeling right beside me, smiling at me through his own tears an' lookin' about as exhausted an' happy as I felt…an' I loved him. At that second, seein' him sittin' there beside me an' knowin' that it was 'cause of him I was alive an' holding this warm little baby in my arms, I loved him.

An' he knew. I could see it in his eyes, in the way they softened when he looked back at me.

An' then the moment was over, an' he was lookin' around for somethin' dry and warm to wrap the baby in. He finally found this real soft cloak hangin' over by the door, not dirty at all despite bein' in a damn stable, an' together we got it around her little body so the night air couldn't get to her.

After that, Tama started bustlin' around, addin' more wood to the fire an' then huntin' around for somethin' we could use for a crib, but I barely even glanced at him. I just kept starin' at my baby, lookin' into her big blue eyes, runnin' my fingers real lightly over the dark fuzz on her scalp, feeling her breathe in my arms. I just couldn't get my mind around her bein' here, bein' _mine_, an' yet here she was. Beautiful. Perfect.

"Hey, Tama," I said after a minute. "She's gonna need a name."

Tama'd found this empty manger an' was linin' it with hay, makin' it nice and cozy for the baby; he didn't stop what he was doin' when he answered me, but his voice was weird, soft. "Yes, she will."

I was quiet for a little while, watchin' him work, before I got the guts to say what was on my mind. "Look, uh…I'm no good at this stuff. I'd prob'ley give her some dumbass name that'd get her picked on for the rest of her life or somethin', so, uh, I was thinkin' that maybe if, you know, you didn't mind or nothin'…maybe you could name her."

_That_ made him stop. Even so, he just sat there for a minute, not movin', before he finally turned around to look at me. His expression was real cautious, like he didn't want to risk gettin' too hopeful. "Tasuki…are you sure?"

I shrugged. "Sure I'm sure. Shit, ya'd be doin' me a favor. I don't got a fucking clue what to name her."

He was still lookin' kinda cautious, but at least he came over to sit beside me, lookin' down at the baby like he was expectin' her to tell him what to say or somethin'. Finally, he turned his eyes back on me, an' the look in 'em was almost…shy. "My mother's name was Yugetsu," he said, real quietly. "She…" He glanced down at the baby. "She looks a little bit like her. The hair. The eyes."

I waited a sec, like I was thinkin' it over. "Yugetsu's kind of a mouthful," I said after a minute, pretendin' I didn't see Tama's quick look of disappointment. Suddenly, I grinned at him. "Guess we'll have to call her 'Yu-chan,' huh, Tama?"

He smiled, his shoulder pressin' against mine while we both looked down at Yu-chan, who right about then was losin' the fight to keep her eyes open.

"Yu-chan," I murmured, trailin' my fingers over her cheek real lightly so I wouldn't keep her from her nap. She gurgled somethin', her eyes falling shut, an' I couldn't help feelin' like she was givin' us her okay on the name.

"Hey," Tama said softly.

I glanced up at him, thinkin' it was weird to feel so happy, so _complete_, when I was sittin' on the dirty floor of somebody's stable with the one guy I never thought I would trust.

Tama's eyes were as soft as his voice. "If you want to sleep for awhile, the manger's ready. I can watch the…" He smiled. "I can watch Yu-chan while you sleep."

I opened my mouth to tell him nah, I wasn't that tired, but it was like hearin' the words made me remember that they were true, 'cause all of a sudden I was havin' a hard time keepin' my eyes open. I yawned, and gave Tama a bleary kinda nod. "Yeah," I managed, slurring the word through another big yawn. "Sure. Thanks."

He reached down like he was gonna take Yu-chan, gettin' his arms around her little body and startin' to lift her…and I don't know why, but suddenly I tightened my grip on her. Tama was already startin' to pick her up, but he stopped when he realized I wasn't lettin' go, frownin' at me like he was wonderin' what the hell I thought I was doin'.

I wasn't too sure myself, but suddenly it seemed real important—_urgent_, even—to keep my arms around her, keep her against me so I could feel her breathing. There was this fear in my gut, ice-cold and churning, an' even though I didn't know what the hell it was about, I knew I hadda hold onto my little girl, keep her close to me.

After awhile I felt Tama's hand on my arm, real gentle. "Tasuki," he said quietly. "She won't disappear if you let go of her."

I just hugged her closer. "I know that," I muttered. "Shit, ya think I don't know that?"

Tama watched me for a second more, somethin' I couldn't quite figure out passin' through his eyes, an' next thing I knew, he was tucking his cloak around me like a blanket, an' fluffin' up the hay behind my head so it'd feel a little more comfortable. "Go ahead and sleep," he said, an' there was no more talk of takin' Yu-chan outta my arms. "I'll keep watch."

I nodded sleepily, the fear backin' off just as quick as it'd come. "Thanks, Tama," I murmured, my eyes already closing. Somethin' whispered up through the haze, though, an' I cracked my eyes open one more time, my voice goin' low, serious. "For everything."

I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer after that, an' got as comfortable as I could in the hay, the cloak all nice an' warm around me an' Yu-chan nestled in my arms. The last thing I felt before I fell asleep was a real light touch against my forehead, an' a warm whisper of breath against my skin.

_To Be Continued…

* * *

_

**Notes:** As always, let's begin with a nod to the reviewers: Skippys Cat, Emmi-chan, Aenisses Thai, Everqueen, fluffy-sama's worshiper, Kei-chan1, x Belles Reminisce, Sednaa, Whitney-chan2005, Roku Kyu, and Skittles1. I'm _very_ grateful for all of your feedback, so thanks for taking the time to review—it's much appreciated.

Next, I would like to say that this chapter would not have been possible without the expert assistance of co-author and ever-faithful-beta Roku Kyu. Roku's firsthand knowledge of childbirth made the level of realism I was going for with this chapter possible. There's only so much you can research about these things, after all—sometimes you just need to have someone who can tell you what it really feels like.

And now, without any further ado, a preview of chapter 7, to be posted next Monday, May 30th.

* * *

_Chapter Seven: Running_

_The only light was coming from the last dyin' embers in the fireplace an' a little bit of moonlight through the window, but it was enough for me to see the fear on Tama's face. His jaw was clenched real tight an' his eyes were wide, his head cocked to the side like he was listenin' to somethin'. _

_I held my breath for a second so I could listen, too…an' froze as I heard it._

_Voices. Coming from outside._

_It coulda been anybody, really. Maybe the innkeeper an' his family comin' to check on us, maybe a buncha kids passin' through, maybe the fucking Imperial Dance Troupe, for all we knew…but I knew in my gut who it was._

_It was the slavers._

_They'd found us._

_

* * *

_Shunyata Ryuen 


	7. Running

-7-

The first thing I noticed, wakin' up, was that I was warm. That wasn't too unusual, but it was the _kind_ of warmth that made it different—like it wasn't just comin' from the outside, but from _inside_ of me, too. I could hear the rain hittin' the roof, pattering out a quick rhythm like a drum beat, an' the stable smelled damp and a little smoky, enough like a cooking fire to get my stomach growling. Shit, when was the last time I ate anything? I opened my eyes, thinkin' I'd scout around for somethin' edible, but I didn't hafta look far. An old iron pot was rigged over the fire, an' now that I focused, I could just catch a whiff of somethin' that smelled like…_food_.

And as long as I was noticin' stuff, there was the little matter of my _dress_ hangin' up by the fire, all wet like it'd been scrubbed but still lookin' pretty filthy. My brain musta been workin' pretty slow, 'cause I stared at it for awhile before I figured out that if it was over there, then what the hell was I wearin'?

I took a quick peek under the blanket.

Yep, nothin'. Just me an' my skin. Which, I noticed, had lost that layer of grime and sweat and blood, and now was smellin' clean and kinda horsey.

Okay. Okay. So after I was asleep, Tama got Yu-chan outta my arms, undressed me, cleaned me up, an' then put the blanket an' baby back where they belonged.

Huh.

Well, it was a little late to be feelin' all shy an' embarrassed now.

Bein' careful not to move too much an' wake Yu-chan, I glanced around for Tama, but didn't see him anywhere. An old, moth-eaten blanket was spread on the floor next to me, so I figured he'd at least gotten some sleep last night—but where he was now, I didn't have a clue. Which was prob'ley a good thing, 'cause my body was makin' it pretty clear that there were other things to take care of before I worried about food. _Urgent_ things.

I still wasn't real anxious to let go of Yu-chan, but it didn't seem like I had a hell of a lot of options. So after gettin' the blanket wrapped around me, I went over an' lowered her real gently into her manger-turned-crib, smilin' a little at the care Tama'd put into makin' it. I started lookin' around for a bucket or somethin' then, but while I was lookin', I spotted this pile of clothes folded up on an old stool.

_My _clothes. The one I'd been wearin' before all this shit went down, just a few days ago.

Shit, it was like lookin' at somethin' from another life. Before I knew it, I was standin' there runnin' my fingers over the fabric, like I wasn't sure it was real, like maybe it'd vanish if I took my eyes off it. When it was still there after a couple seconds, I dropped the blanket an' got dressed. I was just fastenin' the last buckle on the tunic when the stable door swung open an' Tama stepped inside.

He was soakin' wet from the rain, his face all flushed with cold an' his arms filled up with firewood. It was a sec before he saw me standin' there, but when he did, it was like somebody socked him in the stomach or somethin'. His eyes went wide an' he just _stared_ at me for a long time, an' I couldn't help wonderin' a little self-consciously just what he was thinkin'. I mean, whatever clothes I was wearin', I was still _me_—I was still _Tasuki_. But for all I knew, Tama'd come in here expectin' to find that straggly-haired girl with the baby who'd been here when he left, an' what he got instead was me. Still technically a girl, still lookin' like I had a fucking rat's nest on my head, but…different, now.

Then the shock or whatever wore off an' Tama smiled at me, same as always, an' I hated that I felt so relieved when he did. "Good, you're up. How are you feeling?"

Good fucking question, I thought. "Sore," I finally settled on, 'cause it was true. "Look, I gotta take a piss. Can you watch Yu-chan?"

While I was talkin', he came the rest of the way in an' set down the pile of wood, leavin' it by the fire to dry out. "Sure, I can watch her," he said. Then he glanced over at me, an' that concerned look was back in his eyes. "Are you sure you feel up to going out there? It's still raining, and it's pretty chilly."

I stared at him for a sec. "Tama," I said finally, "in the last couple days, I've been kidnapped, attacked, knocked out, rained on, an' hadda drag your ass out of a fucking river—not to mention that I spent mosta last night pushin' a baby out of a hole about this big. I think I can handle takin' a piss." I was all ready for that to be my exit line, but somethin' stopped me before I got to the door, an' I glanced back over at him. "But, uh…thanks for askin'."

Then, before my face could get any redder, I pulled open the door an' went outside.

It _was_ chilly out there, but I hadda admit it felt good. I was still hurtin' from last night—no fucking kidding, right?—an' after bein' sick an' in so much pain, the cool air on my face was real refreshing. Woke me the rest of the way up an' made me feel a little bit more human. The rain felt good, too, but hearin' it sloshin' around sure wasn't doin' my bladder any favors. Groanin' a little, I hurried on over to the nearest tree an' reached down—

—before I remembered that just 'cause I had on the right clothes, that didn't mean everything else was back to normal. With a sigh, I went into the ultimate humiliation of the squat, an' let loose with a stream that coulda flooded half a' Konan. It stung a little, prob'ley 'cause, oh yeah, just fucking had a _baby_, but it wasn't so bad. An' now that the baby was out, I actually had my balance back, so it wasn't like the last time I took a piss, when I fell flat on my ass in the bushes an' only _just_ talked Tama outta runnin' over to help me up.

On my way back inside, I couldn't help stopping to look down at the river. It was even more flooded than it'd been last night, raised up at least a couple a' feet over the level of the bridge, an' I felt myself shiver at the sight of it. I still didn't have a fucking clue how I'd managed to get myself into that water last night, or how I'd pulled Tama outta there without gettin' us both drowned. It was a fucking miracle as far as I was concerned.

When I got back inside, Tama was still crouched by the fire, lookin' a little tired but weirdly at home, an' was stirring the pot with a piece of wood he'd carved into a spoon. His cheeks were still a little flushed, prob'ley from havin' spent so much of the morning out chopping wood an' stuff, an' he had his shirt off an' hangin' by the fire, along with his cloak, my filthy old dress, an' some strips of cloth for Yu-chan's diapers.

I cleared my throat, suddenly feelin' weird an' awkward and not real sure of what to say. "So, uh…whatcha cookin'?"

_Whatcha_ _cookin'?_ Dumbass.

But Tama just glanced up at me and smiled a little, still stirring the stuff with slow, even strokes. "It's soup. It probably won't taste all that good—it's mostly just water, a little bit of meat, and some potatoes from the garden out back. But I added in some herbs, and a few wild onions I found, so it might not be too bad."

"Shit, Tama, I ain't about to complain. You could prob'ley gimme a bowl of horse feed right now an' I'd eat it."

Tama gave me a wry smile. "I'll remember that for tomorrow. Anyway, why don't you sit down? I'll bring it over when it's ready."

I shifted uncomfortably, not real sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, somethin' in me didn't feel quite right about Tama waitin' on me hand and foot. But on the other, I hadda admit that it was kinda nice, havin' somebody takin' care of me for a change.

I didn't get a chance to decide one way or the other, though, 'cause right then there was this little cough-gurgle from the crib, an' all of a sudden Yu-chan was crying. Nah, 'crying' ain't the right word. She was _howling_, screamin' louder an' longer than I ever woulda thought possible for somebody with such tiny lungs.

But anyway, instinct or somethin' like it took over, an' I rushed over to the crib an' picked her up, cradlin' her against me. That made her quiet down for a sec, but before too long she was back to screaming again, her face all scrunched up like one big wrinkle.

I looked helplessly over at Tama. "What the hell's she want?"

He was at my side in a second, starin' down at Yu-chan like the answer was printed on her forehead or somethin'. "She's probably hungry," he said finally, an' his gaze tracked over to me like he expected _me_ to do somethin' about it. I frowned, openin' my mouth to ask him what the hell he thought I could do—

And then I got it. "Oh," I said, feelin' my cheeks getting hot. "Well, uh…okay. Sure. I mean, yeah."

Once I said it, though, I realized that I didn't have a fucking clue what to do next. I mean, yeah, the actual feeding part never _looked_ all that hard, but suddenly I wasn't so sure. What if I fucked somethin' up? And I really wasn't too thrilled about rippin' my shirt off in front of Tama, either. Hell of a time to be feelin' all modest, an' it really didn't make any sense since he'd seen a hell of a lot more than that already, for cryin' out loud…but all the same, I suddenly just really didn't want him to see.

Fuck.

And in the meantime, Yu-chan was still screamin', and the animals were stomping and makin' unhappy noises in their stalls, an' I knew that I hadda do _somethin'_, but I just wasn't sure what.

Then I felt a hand on my arm, gently steering me back over to the pile of hay. Tama motioned for me to sit down, an' once I had, he pulled up an old stool an' sat down next to me. He looked so calm and sure that I relaxed a little, figurin' that at least _one_ of us knew what the hell he was doin'.

An' then I thought about that. Damn it, I was lettin' him take charge again, an' just 'cause I wasn't completely, one-hundred-percent sure what I was doin'? Shit, like _that_ ever stopped me before!

Figurin' I'd better do somethin' before I lost all respect for myself, I sighed an' started undoin' the buckles an' ties of my jacket, wonderin' why I'd even bothered gettin' 'em done up in the first place. My fingers were shakin' the tiniest bit, but if Tama noticed, he was decent enough to pretend he didn't. Yu-chan got a little quieter in the meantime, like she knew she was finally gonna get what she wanted, an' pretty soon I had the jacket off an' was just sittin' there in a plain white undershirt that didn't leave much to the imagination. So, hey, what the hell. I undid the buttons an', real carefully, brought Yu-chan up to my chest, hopin' she'd know what to do 'cause this was about where my knowledge on the subject ended.

For the first couple seconds, nothin' happened, an' I started to feel my face gettin' hot again…but then there was this warm little whisper of breath against me, an' next thing I knew, her mouth figured out where it was supposed to go an' latched onto me, tickling a little at first but then just feelin'…warm. _Right_. I felt my whole body relaxing while she drank, an' pretty soon there was this soft smile on my face, 'cause it was like she was a part of me again—like even though she wasn't inside me anymore, my body was still protecting her and feeding her.

After a little while, I remembered Tama an' glanced over at him—an' he was starin' at me with the weirdest look on his face, like he never saw me before or somethin'. Then he realized I was lookin' at him an' shook his head a little bit, breakin' outta the stare just like that. I kinda frowned at him, wonderin' what was goin' through his head, but before I could ask, Yu-chan started cryin' again.

"The hell? What? Whaddya want? I got nothin' else to give ya, ya little shit."

Tama cleared his throat. "Other side."

"Huh? Oh." After a little bit of awkward movin' around, I managed to get Yu-chan positioned on the other side—and sure enough, she quit cryin' an' got back to breakfast. An' while I was watchin' her, a little bit of the milk seeped outta her mouth an' dribbled down her chin, an' I just about choked when I saw it. It was all thin an' watery an' yellow—shit, somethin' was wrong with the milk! I quick pulled Yu-chan away from my breast, hopin' I hadn't poisoned her or somethin', an' of course she started fussin' right away, but better cryin' than drinkin' that disgusting yellow—

"Tasuki, what are you doing?"

"There's somethin' wrong with it," I snapped, wipin' the last of it off Yu-chan's chin. "It's all gross an' yellow--spoiled, or somethin'…"

"What? No, no—Tasuki, it's _supposed_ to look like that."

"Look, I might not be all that good with this baby stuff, but I think I know what the fuck _milk_ is s'posed ta look like!"

"No, listen, it's okay. This is normal. It'll be a few days before the real milk comes in, and until it does, there's this. This yellow stuff. It's fine for her to drink—in fact, she'll be a lot healthier if she does. Really, Tasuki, it's _okay_."

I just looked at him for a sec, my eyes real narrow, but finally I nodded an' let Yu-chan go back to her meal, even though the thought of drinkin' that yellow gunk made me feel kinda queasy. But I hadda admit that Tama knew a hell of a lot more about this stuff than I did, an' so if he said it was okay for her to drink, then I guess I hadda believe him.

Man, how'd he know all this stuff, anyway? Prob'ley just stuff ya picked up, havin' so many little brothers an' sisters.

An' then, on the tail end of that thought: _He's gonna make a damn good father someday._

I thought about that for a little while, seein' him an' Miaka sittin' in some cozy little house, Miaka with a baby in her arms an' Tama sittin' there beside her, all calm an' sure an' smiling—happy. Not lookin' after his little sister or somebody else's kid, but his _own _baby. An' the woman holdin' her was the one he loved, the one he wanted to spend his life with an' make lots more babies with.

"It's all right," Tama said softly. "Breastfeeding for the first time can be a really emotional moment."

"Huh?" I said, an' my voice was kinda quavery an' I finally realized that I was crying. "Shit," I managed, wipin' my cheeks an' takin' a deep breath. "Sorry. Thought I was done with this cryin' shit."

"It's okay," Tama said.

It wasn't, but I just nodded an' looked back down at Yu-chan, whose sucking was already startin' to get slow an' sleepy. An' if I held her a little tighter after that, Tama didn't seem to notice.

* * *

I lost track of the days. They were all rainy and gray and cold, an' even if Yu-chan was turnin' into a real strong, healthy baby, we weren't about to risk takin' her outside while the storm was still goin'. So we stayed put, takin' care of Yu-chan an' eatin' as best we could off the small game Tama could catch, an' before long, that dumpy stable actually started to feel like home. In fact, I found myself forgetting a lot of the time that it _wasn't_ home, an' that the second the rain started taperin' off, we were gonna leave it an' head back to Eiyo and our old lives. 

I didn't want to think about that, though, so I didn't. An' so I guess that's why it hit me so hard, wakin' up that night to Tama's hand on my shoulder an' realizin' that our time there was over.

"Tasuki. _Tasuki!_"

"Arright, arright," I mumbled, rollin' over. "I'll feed 'er in a minute, jus' lemme—" A hand clapped over my mouth before I could get the words out, an' that woke me up _real_ quick. My eyes flared open, my heart pumping and my breath comin' quick—but it was only Tama, sittin' there in the near-dark with his hand over my mouth. The hell was he—

The only light was coming from the last dyin' embers in the fireplace an' a little bit of moonlight through the window, but it was enough for me to see the fear on Tama's face. His jaw was clenched real tight an' his eyes were wide, his head cocked to the side like he was listenin' to somethin'.

I held my breath for a second so I could listen, too…an' froze as I heard it.

Voices. Coming from outside.

It coulda been anybody, really. Maybe the innkeeper an' his family comin' to check on us, maybe a buncha kids passin' through, maybe the fucking Imperial Dance Troupe, for all we knew…but I knew in my gut who it was.

It was the slavers.

They'd found us.

Without a word, like we were actin' on some silent signal, Tama an' me both got up an' headed in opposite directions. I went straight for the crib, wrappin' Yu-chan up in her blanket and then pullin' her close to me, prayin' like hell that she wouldn't wake up an' start cryin'. When I turned around, Tama'd got most of our things stuffed back into the satchel, an' was pullin' on his shoes while he crammed in the rest.

I slipped on my own shoes without too much trouble, then crept over to the stable's only window to peer outside. Maybe it was a dumbass thing to do, but I hadda know. I had to see.

I couldn't make out much, as it turned out. But I could see that the rain had finally stopped, an' way down the hill, I could just barely catch the bright spots of torches by the river. An' speaking of the river…the water level was way down, reflected by the light of the moon an' the torches. I leaned closer to the glass, strainin' to see…

Finally, my eyes adjusted enough, an'there they were. They had a rope stretched across the river, an' were usin' it to anchor themselves while they waded across. The first of 'em was already more than halfway across, an' gettin' closer.

"Shit," I whispered, an' moved back from the window real quick. "We gotta get outta here _now._"

Tama just nodded an' slung the pack over his shoulder, an' together we slipped out into the night.

We made for the trees, movin' quickly an' quietly an' keepin' close to the stable—hopin' that the slavers weren't looking up here, and that if they were, the shadows of the building would hide us until we could get into the woods. Once we were around the side, we took off at a run for the trees, only it was a pretty damn _slow_ run, 'cause I hadda be real careful not to jostle Yu-chan too much an' wake her up. A screaming baby woulda given the game away pretty quick.

By the time we made it into the woods, I could already hear heavy footsteps trudging up the hill—shit, they were movin' fast! We hadda get the hell outta here! Goddammit, if I only had my tessen, we wouldn't _have_ to run; we could march right down that hill an' burn those fuckers to a crisp!

But there was no tessen; for all I knew, it was still lyin' in the street back in Eiyo. There was only me an' Tama an' Yu-chan, an' a whole lotta dark, creepy woodland. I glanced over at Tama, even though his face was shadowed now that we were under the trees. I don't know what I thought he was gonna say or do at that moment to make things better, but when I felt his hand grip hard onto mine, I nodded like that was what I'd been waiting for.

We got moving. I didn't know where the hell we were goin' an' Tama didn't either, but it seemed a pretty safe direction since it was leading us away from the slavers. An' Suzaku musta been watchin' out for us, 'cause Yu-chan stayed asleep an' quiet the whole time, so the only sounds were twigs cracking under our feet and the normal nighttime sounds of the forest. We didn't hear any signs of the slavers following us, but that wasn't as much of a comfort as ya might think. At least when we could hear 'em, we knew where they _were_. Creepin' through those dark woods, I couldn't help imaginin' them hidin' in the shadows, just waitin' for the right moment to leap out an' cut us all to fucking ribbons.

Time slid by. Mighta been hours, an' I guess it prob'ley was, 'cause before too long, I started noticin' that I could see a little bit better. Glancin' up, I saw a pale gray sky just becoming visible through the leaves, an' I knew it was morning.

Now at least we'd be able to see where we were goin'…but the slavers, wherever they were, would also be able to see _us_.

"Let's stop for a minute," Tama said at last, soundin' as tired an' out of breath as I was. He went over to a tree trunk an' leaned his back against it, bendin' down to prop his hands against his knees.

"All right," I said, 'cause I was too tired to argue—an' Yu-chan was startin' to squirm a little bit in my arms, just enough for me to know that she was about to wake up. So I went over an' sat down on a log an' started undoing my shirt.

Sure enough, by the time I got it open, Yu-chan was blinkin' up at me, an' her face was just startin' to wrinkle into crying position when I lifted her up to feed. She waited a sec before she went at it, like she wasn't sure why she was gettin' what she wanted without havin' to cry for it, but then hunger won out an' she got busy with breakfast. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and closed my eyes.

I didn't want to say the words, 'cause that was as good as beggin' the universe to contradict them, but in the end I decided to risk it. "Ya think we lost 'em?"

Tama shook his head, an' I noticed he was digging through the satchel, prob'ley for breakfast. "I don't know. They might not even have followed us in here. There's no way to…" He shook his head again.

"As soon as Yu-chan's done, we can get movin' again," I said with a wary glance back the way we'd come. "We gotta be gettin' close to the edge of these woods. Once we're out, we can find a village or somethin', get a cart an' put some miles between us an' those bastards."

Tama didn't say anything, just nodded, but I knew he was thinkin' the same thing I was. If the slavers knew we went into these woods, they might be watchin' the other side, or maybe even the nearby villages. We might get outta here only to walk right into their fucking hands. Then again, they might be comin' at us from behind, followin' our trail, an' so turnin' back was out, too. Besides, if I never saw that fucking river again, it'd be too soon.

So forward it was. An' if they _were_ waitin' out there for us…

I closed my eyes, drawing in a long, deep breath of that soft baby scent that was distinctly Yu-chan.

"Tama," I said softly, "if they catch up to us, I want ya to take Yu-chan an' get the hell away. It's me they want, anyway; I'm the one who torched their ship. They prob'ley won't just let you go, but I bet I can distract 'em for long enough so you can—"

"No. Absolutely not."

I opened my eyes, just in time to see Tama drop the satchel on the ground and stomp over to me, looking so angry that I almost flinched back.

"Don't even _say _things like that," he continued angrily. "They're not going to catch us, and if they do, _you_ are going to run with Yu-chan."

"Like hell I am! This is _my_ fight, Tama—it's got nothin' to do with you!"

"Don't give me that! Do you honestly think that after all this, I'm going to just…leave you there and let those slavers have you?"

"Yeah, well, I ain't runnin'!"

"Well, neither am I!"

We glared at each other for a few seconds, before a low, wailing cry from Yu-chan snapped us out of it. While we'd been arguin', I'd shifted her just enough to take her mouth away from my breast, an' she wasn't lookin' too happy about it.

"Shit, Yu-chan, I'm sorry," I murmured, an' real gently put her back into place.

When I glanced back up at Tama, the look on his face was fierce and sad and afraid. "Listen," he said, so quietly that I almost couldn't hear him. "When my mother died, I did everything I could for Yuiren. I held her, and I fed her, and I sang her the songs Kaasan always used to sing to me…but it wasn't the same. Do you understand? It wasn't the same, because I wasn't her mother. No matter how much I loved her…" He shook his head, and the tears were bright in his eyes. "Don't do that to Yu-chan. Don't make her lose her…" He paused, then shook his head again and continued fiercely, "—_don't make her lose her_ _mother_. Please, Tasuki."

I had to look away. "That ain't fair."

"Fair or not, it's true. You have to think about _her_ now. You can't just…throw your life away, not when she needs you so much."

He was right. I knew it. But I didn't _want_ him to be right, 'cause the truth was, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could leave him, not after…everything. But if staying meant puttin' Yu-chan in danger…_damn_ it, it wasn't fucking fair!

"No," I said finally, my voice low and only shaking the tiniest bit. "I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna run away an' leave you there…an' you're not gonna do it either. An' ya know why? 'Cause they're not gonna find us. We're gonna get outta these woods, an' then we're gonna find a cart an' get the _fuck_ outta here, an' those asshole slavers ain't never gonna come near us. An' that's how it's gonna go, okay, Tama? That's how it's gonna go."

He looked at me for a long time after that. Then he nodded. "Okay."

I returned the nod. "Okay. So, let's get movin'."

* * *

It took us about an hour and a half to get to the edge of the woods. When we did, we just stood there for a second, lookin' out at all that open, rolling grassland like it was the edge of a cliff instead of a forest. The village was way down below, just a cluster of ant-sized houses and roads, an' I felt my mouth go dry at the thought of walkin' all that way without even a tree or bush for cover. If those slavers were anywhere near here, they'd spot us in a _second_, an' we'd have noplace to hide. 

But what the hell else were we gonna do?

I looked over at Tama. He was starin' back at me, pale but determined, an' I nodded at him even though he hadn't said a word. Then I leaned down an' pressed a kiss onto Yu-chan's forehead.

"All right," I said, keepin' my voice down even though it wouldn't make much difference if anybody heard. If they were close enough to hear me talkin', we were dead meat, anyway. "Help me get this thing on, will ya?"

While we were walkin', Tama'd managed to rig a baby carrier outta the satchel an' some spare cloth. It was pretty crude, but it was the best we could do to protect her, keepin' her strapped safely against my back an' freein' up my hands at the same time.

Anyway, so I handed Yu-chan to Tama an' wrestled my arms into the straps, then pushed my hair outta the way while he slid her into the carrier. Once she was in there, I moved around a little bit, testin' it out—then nodded. In answer, Tama handed me the staff.

Well, okay, so it was just a big stick we'd found on the ground, but it was sturdy an' it felt good in my hands, an' enough like a weapon to make me feel like I stood a chance of defending myself. Tama had one, too, even though he was more of a hand-to-hand fighting kinda guy, but we weren't about to take chances if it came down to battle. Hand-to-hand would let 'em get too close; this way, we might be able to keep 'em far enough away from Yu-chan so they couldn't touch her.

And they were _not_ going to touch her. Not while I was still alive to protect her.

It dawned on me about then that there was nothing more to do, and that meant that we were ready to go. An' no matter how much I didn't want to believe it, I hadda admit that it felt like a goodbye when Tama met my eyes.

"Tama…" I said in a hoarse voice, 'cause I felt like I needed to say something, to let him know that for a pain-in-the-ass shithead, he was a pretty decent guy, an' I was glad he was here with me—glad Suzaku called us brothers. But when I opened my mouth, I just couldn't find the words.

But that was okay, 'cause he already knew.

"Come on," he said softly, and took my hand.

Together, we stepped out into the gray daylight and started across the meadow.

_To Be Concluded…

* * *

_

**Notes:** First, I'd like to extend my gratitude and appreciation to the reviewers: Skippys Cat, x Belles Reminisce, Geonah, Emmi-chan, Everqueen, Whitney-chan2005, Skittles1, roku kyu, and RyuDesol. Your input is _very_ much appreciated. And speaking of input, I must of course acknowledge Roku for another brilliant beta-reading job on this chapter—and for rescuing Yu-chan from the horrors of hot soup. (Don't ask.)

Next, you may have noticed the use of the word "concluded" up above. Yes, it's true! The next installment, _Chapter 8: Family_, will be the last—the exciting conclusion, if you will. Due to the nature of that chapter, it would be pretty much impossible to include a sneak preview without giving something away. As such, there will be no preview of the final chapter of _Expecting_, so you'll just have to wait for its posting on **Wednesday, June 8th!** See you then!

Shunyata Ryuen


	8. Family

**Notes:** First, a very grateful nod to the reviewers of chapter 7: Everqueen, Skippys Cat, fluffy-sama's worshiper, Whitney-chan2005, Emmi-chan, RyuDesol, Aenisses Thai, Kei-chan1, and x Belles Reminisce. Thank you so much for all of your feedback, and especially for sticking with me through this story. Thanks, also, to Roku Kyu for another phenomenal beta-reading job, and for all the time and effort she's put into this story since (!) December. Couldn't'a done it without ya, Roke.

And now, one last thing before I let you proceed onto chapter eight: it is my great pleasure to announce that the "Expecting" world is not through being explored just yet. Keep your eyes on the main page in coming weeks for **_Unexpected_, a fic by Aenisses Thai** based on the characters and situations explored in this story. Aenisses contacted me a few weeks ago concerning the permission to write this fic, and has been sending me bits of it ever since. According to her, the fic is nearly finished—and from what I've read of it so far, you do _not_ want to miss it. Not only is it brilliantly written (as those who have read her other fic, "Wounded," can tell you), but it explores in much greater depth the relationship only hinted at in "Expecting," and is _well_ worth the read. So be on the look-out for it!

All right, and that's all I have to say. So I guess all that's left is to say one final "thanks!" to everyone who has supported this story, and then to shut up and let you get on with the reading of Chapter 8. (For those who want some background music for the beginning scenes, try "Farewell No. 2" from the House of Flying Daggers soundtrack.)

Shunyata Ryuen

* * *

-8-

We didn't make it a hundred yards before they found us. We saw 'em comin', of course, but it wasn't like there was anywhere to run to. They were everywhere, comin' at us from every direction, thirty or forty big guys with the same nasty assortment of weapons as when they jumped us back in Eiyo.

But hey, that settled the argument, at least. Neither of us were running.

So we stopped. And waited. Tama was holdin' tight onto my hand, but my other one was free to hold the staff in front of me, ready to knock the shit outta anybody who came too close. Tama an' me were standin' back to back, Yu-chan in her carrier between us, not touching except where our hands clasped. For a long time, there was no sound but our own breathing and the rasp of feet through the grass.

Seemed like we waited forever. But that was okay, 'cause when you're waitin' to die, ya don't mind so much when it takes awhile.

My mind was weirdly blank—calm—but it was like everything around me was suddenly louder, brighter, more _real_. Tama's fingers were warm and strong in mine, an' I could feel Yu-chan breathing, her little chest rising and falling against my back. And it seemed right, the three of us together. Even if there was no way in hell we were gonna make it through this, it seemed right for us to face it together.

Then suddenly, they were right there in front of us, and there was no more time for thinking. All those dark, leering faces surrounded us, closing in so there was no break between them, just us in the middle an' them a circle of bodies and weapons around us.

I squeezed Tama's hand hard, every muscle in my body tensed and ready for battle, but just when the slavers were comin' in range of our weapons, they stopped, every one of 'em. Like they were waitin' for somethin'. It wasn't too long before we found out what.

"Well, well, well," said a rough voice, an' the circle a' guys parted to let their leader through. "Fancy meetin' you folks here."

"Can the fucking small talk," I snapped, hopin' he'd take just _one_ more step forward so I could smack the staff across his ugly face.

He didn't. The bastard stayed right where he was, an' that nasty grin never slipped. "Glad you're so eager, sweetheart. But don't worry; we'll get to the fun stuff soon enough. First, there's the little matter of you torchin' my ship. And don't bother denyin' it, 'cause I know it was you."

"I ain't gonna deny it," I told him. "Hell, yeah, I torched your ship. I'm only sorry you weren't in it when I did."

The grin was suddenly more like an animal barin' its teeth. "You got a mouth on ya, little girl. I'm gonna enjoy makin' you scream. Maybe I'll even let that scrawny man of yours live long enough to see it. And if I'm feelin' real generous, maybe I'll keep him alive while my buddies here take their turns with you."

I felt somethin' in my chest go cold and tight with dread, an' suddenly I was on that slave ship again an' that bastard was on top of me, shovin' his tongue in my mouth an' pressin' hard against me, draggin' his filthy hand up my side…

I shook my head to clear it and then opened my mouth to shout somethin' back, not wantin' him to think he'd got to me, but Tama spoke up before I could.

His voice was ice. "If you come near her, I'll kill you."

He meant it. An' the bastard knew it, 'cause the grin dropped the rest of the way off his face, an' he tightened his grip on the iron club he was carryin'. "Not if I kill you first," he growled, an' sprang forward.

I didn't hesitate. All the terror an' dread in me disappeared, an' as the bastard lunged for Tama, I pushed off my back leg an' rammed the end of the staff into his face. There was a cracking sound as his nose broke, an' then he was staggerin' backwards, his hand goin' to his face, the blood gushing out through his fingers.

Like a spell had been broken, the rest of the guys charged.

There was no time for thought, only movement. Knock away a club, a sword, a piece of chain swinging down like a whip. Stab out with the staff so it connected with flesh—didn't matter where, just as long as it hit. Spin around to take out the guy comin' in from the side, then duck when the two comin' from the front got too close. Take out their legs, get them in the throat, the face, the stomach, somewhere soft and sensitive so they'd stay down for just a little bit longer. Breathe. Then get ready for the next ten guys—the next twenty, thirty, who knew how many there were except that they just kept coming, an' it didn't matter how many you knocked away 'cause there were always gonna be more, an' if you let up for even a second, you were dead, so ya better not let up. There was nothin' to do but keep fighting. Just keep fighting.

Time crept along. Mighta been hours that we held 'em off; mighta been minutes. But however long it was, there was a definite moment when the staff was suddenly just a little too heavy in my hands, and my arms were movin' just a little too slow…and there was a guy comin' at me. Pale skin, real bony face, sneering and lunging for me with a piece of wood that was sharpened at the end like a sword. Already too close.

I tried to turn anyway, knowin' I could never make it in time to block but thinkin' I could at least take him out, keep him from gettin' past me and on to Tama. Even if his damn sword was buried in my gut, at least I could keep him from gettin' to Tama. I brought the staff around—

And suddenly there was this rumble, like thunder, shakin' the ground and vibrating deep inside of me. The guy comin' at me lost his footing an' went stumblin' past, his sword catching the cloth of my jacket but nothin' else—

And Chichiri appeared in a fucking windstorm.

His mask was off, his eyes both closed, and one hand was held sideways in front of his face while the other was holdin' that long ash staff in front of him. Bright red waves of energy were swarmin' around him, ruffling his hair and clothes an' knockin' a bunch a' the slavers off their feet, an' for a long second he didn't move, just stood there lookin' like Suzaku come to earth while the wind roared around him.

Then his good eye snapped open, an' the staff swept forward in a blur of scarlet light.

"Seiki no _kyuuzou!"_ he boomed, an' suddenly that light was ripping through the air, tearin' towards us like a firestorm, like a blood-red tidal wave. I ducked instinctively, grabbin' for Tama even as I felt his arms go around my shoulders, shelterin' me an' Yu-chan as best he could—

The light swept harmlessly by us, just rufflin' our clothes a little as it passed. I risked liftin' my head, twistin' around so I could see…

Guys were flyin' backwards, screamin' as they were hurled through the air like leaves caught in a high wind. Some of 'em tried to fight it, to plant their swords in the ground or duck beneath the wave, but it didn't help. Every single one of 'em got caught up in it an' flung backwards, an' when they hit the ground about fifty yards away, not one of 'em got back up again.

I let out a shuddering breath, only just then realizing I'd been holdin' it in. The only guys left around us were the ones already knocked out or dead; all the rest were hell an' gone on the other fucking side of the clearing.

Still not quite believin' that we were still alive, I turned to look at Chichiri.

The wind was dyin' down, the red glow around him fading. When it was completely gone, he slumped a little, his eye closin' and the staff droppin' back down to his side. An' for the first time, he looked like somebody I recognized.

"Holy _shit_, Chichiri!" I managed. After a glance at Tama, who was lookin' just as shaken an' out of breath as I was, I started crawlin' to my feet—

Chichiri's eye snapped open again. "TASUKI!"

Somethin' slammed into the back of my knees an' I pitched forward. By the time I managed to turn around, seein' stars 'cause of the pain an' wonderin' what the _fuck_'d just hit me, it was already too late.

It was him. The leader.

An' he had Yu-chan.

Later, I'd think back and figure out that he'd been one of the guys lyin' on the ground when the blast hit, an' so that was why he hadn't been touched by it. Later, I'd realize that what I'd felt was him slammin' his boot into the backs of my legs, an' that while I was fallin', he'd managed to grab Yu-chan outta her carrier an' drag her away with him.

Later, I'd think about a lot of things, but right then, there was only one thought in my mind:

_He has my baby._

He was holding her to his chest with one arm, pressing her so tight against him that she was crying, squirming and screaming in his grip, her little hands grabbing at the air.

He had his hand around her throat.

"Not a move," he said in a low voice, an' while he was talkin', a trickle of blood seeped out of his broken nose and down onto his chin. "Not a move, or I'll snap her neck."

"The _hell_ you will," I whispered. "You even twitch, and I'll fucking _kill_ you. And if I don't, one of these guys will."

The bastard just shook his head and started backing away from us. "You'll never get to me fast enough. She'll be dead before you can even get close to me."

I looked him straight in the eye, feeling _Wing_ blazing on my arm. "Wanna bet?"

My feet hardly moved; it was more like flying than running. Wind whipping past me, the world a blur of green and brown light—

And then I was right there in his face, and before he could even find time to blink, I grabbed the knife off his belt and drove it into his side.

"You do _not_ fuck with my little girl," I snarled.

He made a choked sound and dropped to his knees, but I already had Yu-chan in my arms an' was bookin' it back to where Tama was standin'. It was only when I got there that I started shakin', holdin' Yu-chan close to me an' rockin' her in my arms, tryin' to tell myself that it was okay now, it was over, that bastard was dead and his lackeys were knocked out and Chichiri was here to take us home.

Only, when I glanced back over at Chichiri, I finally noticed that he wasn't alone. Cowering behind him, lookin' small an' afraid an' not at all like I remembered, was the sorceress.

Ice cold fear clenched in my gut, and it was a long time before I could get my voice steady enough to speak.

"What the fuck's she doin' here?"

Chichiri didn't answer me; he looked down at the sorceress and said, real quietly, "Get up." His voice was soft, barely threatening at all, but she didn't waste a second obeying him.

And in the light of day, I saw that she was young, prob'ley around my and Tama's age, an' she mighta been pretty if she wasn't so busy lookin' scared.

Shit. She was just a girl. Just some girl barely outta her teens, an' yet it was 'cause of her…'cause of _her_…

I held Yu-chan a little closer to me. Tama, by now, had figured out the gist of what was goin' on an' come to stand beside me, his hand grippin' my shoulder, keepin' me steady.

"Chichiri?" he said, maybe 'cause he didn't want to ask a real question, 'cause that might mean a real answer.

"Tamahome," Chichiri said quietly, "Tasuki. This is Kai Ayame." An' even though he only nudged her shoulder with the tip of one finger, she went stumbling forward like he'd shoved her, droppin' onto her knees a few feet away from us. "She has something to say to you."

She was shakin', she was so scared. Her face was real pale, an' she didn't bother sweepin' all that long black hair outta her face when she spoke.

"Tasuki-san," she croaked.

"-_sama_," Chichiri corrected softly.

"Tasuki-_sama_." An' just like that, she dropped down into a bow, touchin' her forehead to the muddy ground an' pressin' her palms down into the grass. "Gomen nasai. Gomen nasai, Tasuki-sama." She lifted her head up a little bit, an' I saw that she was cryin'. "I-I didn't mean for it to…it wasn't supposed to go this far. I was going to take the baby out of you, honestly I was, but then I couldn't find you and so I couldn't— But I'm sorry. Please believe me. I was angry, but I never wanted to…I never _meant_ to…"

"When you weren't in your chambers in the morning," Chichiri said, an' even though his voice was calm, I could hear the rage simmering underneath, "I went out looking for you. I couldn't sense your ki anywhere nearby, but it wasn't difficult to find people who had seen you. I went in the direction they said you'd left in…and I found this." He held up a glittering strip of metal.

"My tessen," I whispered.

Chichiri nodded. "Hai. And then I sensed something else. A source of power, unschooled and poorly shielded, but powerful enough to do something like this. Powerful enough to alter a body, to even go so far as to place a living being inside that altered body."

"It was for my sister!" Ayame cried. "The babies kept dying a few months in, and so I thought that if I could find someone else to carry the next baby, then everything would be all right. So I found someone—a woman who said she'd help. And when my sister was pregnant again, I did the spell, and it worked—the baby was moved out of my sister's body and into the other woman's, and everything was fine until…until she told her husband. He'd been out of town, in the army, but he got injured and came back and she was _pregnant_, and he would've sent her away if she hadn't told him the truth, so they asked to meet me—they asked to meet me in that bar, and he told me that I had to take the baby out of her. Even though she was almost to term, he wanted it out of her, and if I didn't do it, he said he'd…he'd _cut_ it out of her, and I couldn't let that happen so I took the baby out. I couldn't put it back in my sister, but I could hold it in…in stasis for awhile, just a little while until I could find someone else…

"I sat down so I could think about it, and you were right there, and you were such a jerk and I was so _angry_…so I put the baby in you. It was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't know what else to do. Later on, though, I realized how wrong it'd been and I tried to find you, but you were gone and nobody knew where, nobody could tell me anything except that there'd been a fight… But please believe me, Tasuki-sama, if I had found you, I would've taken the baby out right away, honestly I would have. I didn't mean for it to go this far, I swear I didn't."

My mouth felt like it was lined in sand, but I had to get the question out. I had to ask, even though I already knew the answer.

"Whose baby is she?"

Ayame looked up at me, meeting my eyes for the first time since she an' Chichiri'd showed up. "My sister's," she whispered. "My sister and her husband's."

Something crumbled inside of me, an' I felt Tama's hand go tight on my shoulder. I couldn't say a word, but I heard him whisper, "_No._"

It was weird, but I didn't feel like crying. I just nodded, keepin' my eyes on the sorceress', and calmly reached down to untangle Yu-chan's fingers from my hair. Little shit, always into everything. She was gonna be such a nightmare when she got older. She was gonna be…

"No," Tama said more loudly. "No, you can't do this—you can't do this! It's not right! _I won't let you take her!_"

Chichiri was lookin' away, like he was scannin' the trees, but I saw the pain on his face, the sadness. "No one's going to take her," he said, real softly. "But the parents…they'd like to see her."

I nodded, feeling weird and numb, like none of this was real—like I was dreamin' the whole thing, an' any second now I was gonna wake up an' be back in that crummy stable with Yu-chan sleepin' in her cradle an' Tama curled up in the hay beside me…

"Where are they?" I asked.

Still not lookin' at me, Chichiri lifted his hand up in front of his face again an' murmured some weird-sounding words. Another windstorm started, this one weaker an' smaller than the last, pale white instead of red…an' when it faded, there were two more people standin' in the clearing in front of us.

The man was tall, sturdy—prob'ley some kinda worker—an' his face was young an' nice-lookin', the kinda face you could tell smiled a lot even though he wasn't doin' it now. The woman looked a lot like the sorceress, only she was older, tireder, her face lined and her black hair startin' to show a couple streaks of gray even though she couldn't a' been older'n twenty-something. She had real sad, big blue eyes—

Something cold and heavy settled in my stomach.

Big blue eyes.

Like Yu-chan's.

I looked down at my little girl, and I saw that black fuzz on her head, that pale skin, those eyes…an' just like that, I knew.

She belonged to them.

Not me.

I'd been all ready to hate them. He was gonna be some big, nasty-faced bastard, and she was gonna be cold an' mean, scowlin' at me while her husband threatened to kick my ass if I didn't give them Yu-chan…

But she didn't scowl, and he didn't threaten me. They both stepped forward, him holdin' onto her arm and her leanin' against it like for support, an' when they got in front of me, they both bowed.

"Arrigato, Tasuki-sama," the woman said. Her voice was soft, sweet—a mother's voice. "Thank you so much for—" She broke off, clearin' her throat like she was tryin' hard not to cry, an' glanced up at me with tears shining in her eyes. "Thank you for bringing our daughter into this world. Even if we can't be with her, just knowing that she's…that she's alive and healthy, it means…"

"It means so much to us," the man finished. "We tried for so long… This is a miracle, and we can't thank you enough for all you've done."

"Tasuki-sama," the woman whispered. "I'll understand if…if you would rather not let me, but do you suppose… Could I hold her? Just for a moment?"

"Maiya," the man sighed. "Don't do this to yourself. If you hold her, it's just going to be that much harder to let her go when we have to leave."

Maiya nodded. "I know. But I…I need to feel her in my arms. Feel that she's real. Please, just for a moment, Tasuki-sama. Just for a moment."

My legs weren't workin' real well, an' Tama still had a good grip on my shoulder, but somehow I managed to walk forward 'til I was standin' there in front of them. Maiya put her hand over her mouth when I did, her eyes on Yu-chan an' her breath comin' in these little gasping sobs, an' I watched her husband put an arm around her shoulders.

"Maiya, please," he begged. "It's going to be hard enough…"

She shook her head, gettin' herself under control with a deep breath. "Just for a moment," she whispered.

I looked down at Yu-chan. She was starin' back at me with Maiya's eyes, an' I suddenly remembered what Tama'd said about babies needin' their mothers, about how it was the worst thing you could do to a kid, takin' her away from her mom.

"Tasuki, don't."

It was Tama. His voice was real low and right in my ear, an' I knew he was standin' right behind me.

"Don't do it. You don't owe them anything. She's yours. She's _your_ baby."

I looked up, past the hopeful faces of Yu-chan's parents…to Chichiri. He was standin' over there by himself, his arms folded an' his back turned, like he couldn't bear to watch. Like he'd known, from the start, how it was gonna have to be. Ayame was a couple feet away from him, still sittin' on the ground. She wasn't lookin' at me either.

But Tama was. I could feel him staring at me—pleading with me.

_Don't. Don't do this. _

"She's _yours_," Tama said again, desperately.

Maybe she was. Maybe givin' birth to her an' takin' care of her an' lovin' her…maybe that made her mine. Maybe it made her my daughter no matter who she was really related to.

But what the hell kinda life could I give her? My life was rough and hard and dangerous, an' now that I'd joined up with Miaka an' the others, it was just gonna get worse. It wasn't like I could take Yu-chan along to Hokkan with us or somethin', an' so where would that leave her? Stuck at the palace with some stodgy old nursemaid? Dumped on my mom's doorstep? Or shit, why not just take her back to Mount Reikaku an' let the fucking _bandits_ look after her?

I musta known all along that this could never work out. That she was never mine. But knowin' didn't make it any easier.

"Look," I said, real quietly, "you gotta promise me somethin'. Okay?"

Maiya shook her head. "Anything."

I swallowed, hard. "Her name's Yugetsu. We, uh…we been callin' her 'Yu-chan' for short. You gotta keep that name, okay? That's the condition. You gotta keep her name, or no deal."

Maiya glanced back at her husband, her lip trembling. "What…what are you saying, Tasuki-sama?"

I opened my mouth to tell her, but I couldn't. So instead I lifted Yu-chan up, holdin' her face up to mine so I could rub my nose against hers, press my lips to her forehead like the last time—like the last time I thought I was sayin' goodbye.

Then I reached out an' placed her, real gently, into Maiya's arms. Into her mom's arms.

"Remember," I said, managin' a quivery kinda smile. "Yugetsu."

They started cryin' an' bowin' to me, an' I could see their mouths movin', but I couldn't hear what they were sayin' 'cause there was this weird roaring in my ears, like when the river water swept over me. All I could do was back away real slow, not takin' my eyes off my baby as I left her—but suddenly I couldn't move anymore. The man had seized my hand, like he was gonna kiss it or somethin', but I wrenched it out of his grasp and held it up. Just like that, everyone shut up an' froze in place, like I had Chichiri's power or somethin'.

"Listen," I said in this weird, choked voice. "There ain't no reason for you to ever tell Yu-chan about any of this, about how she came into this world--but if she finds out some day...if somethin' happens and for some reason she hears about me...you tell her that I loved _every minute_ I spent with her, ya hear? You tell her that I loved—"

That was it. I turned an' took off at a run for the woods. My seishi speed got me there in a couple seconds, but I didn't stop at the cover of the trees. I kept goin', 'til I was deep enough that it'd take 'em awhile to find me.

I sat down, hard, on the ground. Curled my legs up against my chest. Closed my eyes an' leaned my chin on my knees an' tried not to make a sound. My eyes were burning, an' there was this weight in my throat—in my _chest_—that just kept pressin' and pressin' 'til I could hardly breathe, 'til it honest to god _hurt_ just to sit there, just to know that those people down there had my little girl in their arms an' they were gonna leave with her, take her away from me an' I'd never…I'd never…

I fell forward, my palms pressin' into the dirt an' my head hanging down, and finally felt the hot tears streaking down my cheeks. When I breathed in, it was shaky an' loud like a sob, an' so I snatched one of my hands up off the ground an' clapped it over my mouth, tryin' to muffle the sound, keep anybody from hearing.

But somebody did.

I felt him come up behind me. I don't know how he got there so fast, how he knew exactly where I was, but he did. He didn't say anything, an' I was real grateful for that. I don't think I coulda taken it if he'd said anything.

Instead, he sat down behind me, his own breathing harsh and kinda choked, an' real gently put his hand on my shoulder.

It was too much. I broke down, sobbing brokenly into my hand and trying the whole time to stop, but it was like tryin' to push back a flood with just my hands. It washed over me and sucked me under, and the only thing that kept me from being ripped away by the current was that hand on my shoulder. After awhile, I felt steady enough to reach up and grab onto it, clutch it with the hand that wasn't busy muffling my sobs, an' pretty soon Tama's fingers wrapped around mine in a strong, firm grip that was shaking just the slightest bit.

It was a long time before I was ready to let go.

* * *

It's weird how the dumbest things can make ya remember. The smell of a cookfire. The sound of rain drummin' on the roof. And other things, things you'd never think would have that kind of power. 

I was on the boat to Hokkan, leanin' over the rail of the ship for what musta been the sixth time, feelin' so sick an' miserable that I could hardly move. And just like that, I was back in that stable, surrounded by the stink of puke and hay and animals, feelin' the touch of a wet cloth on my neck, the coolness of water in my mouth as Tama held the ladle to my lips. And since this was a memory and not the real thing, I could skip straight to the good parts—to the sound of those little, gasping sobs as they cut through the silence. To the quaver in Tama's voice as he said, _We've got a little girl…_

To the feel of her in my arms.

I squeezed my eyes shut, an' even though my stomach had finally stopped churning, I just leaned against the railing for a long time, catchin' my breath an' feelin' the salty spray of the water on my face.

I wondered what she was doin' right now. If she was happy. I hoped she was.

Eh, maybe that was dumb. I mean, she was just a little shit of a baby right now—anyplace that gave her a warm place to sleep an' milk to drink was gonna make her happy.

Okay, then maybe…I hoped she'd _be_ happy. That Maiya an' what's-his-name would treat her right, love her and protect her and keep her safe, but let her be…let her be herself. Find her own way. Be strong. And then maybe someday, she could have her own babies, an' wonder why the hell anybody would go through so much pain and aggravation just to bring another snot-nosed brat into the world…

Was it selfish to wish she'd remember me? That somewhere in those fuzzy little baby memories, she'd remember me holdin' her close, singin' to her real soft and low 'til she fell asleep in my arms?

Maybe it was. But it was all I had, so I was gonna hang onto it.

After awhile, I staggered back to my cabin an' went inside, slumpin' onto the bed the second I got the door closed. I laid there for a long time, listenin' to the creak of the ship an' the sound of the water hittin' the side, an' my stomach was just startin' to feel settled again when there was a knock on my door. An' since the whole fucking wall shook along with it, I figured there was only one guy it could be. I heaved myself up off the bed an' let my legs dangle over the side, wipin' a hand across my face so maybe I'd have a chance of lookin' normal.

"C'mon in, Nuriko," I called.

The door swung open. Nuriko's hair was pulled back into the usual braid, an' he was wearin' this blue an' cream tunic that somehow made him look more like a guy than usual.

He gave me a quick flash of a smile as he came in, but it seemed kinda strained. In fact, I'd been noticin' that kinda thing for the last couple hours—that ever since Tama an' Miaka an' Nuriko got back from Tama's family's house, they'd been actin' kinda…weird. Subdued. I wondered if somethin' had happened, if maybe Tama's dad's health was gettin' bad again or somethin', but I figured that if it was anything real important, somebody woulda told me.

Ya'd think, right?

Nuriko came inside and shut the door behind him, leanin' his back against it an' keepin' his eyes safely away from mine. "Ne, Tasuki… Listen. There's something you need to know."

* * *

He was in his cabin when I found him. The door was open so I just stormed right in, an' he was standin' there at the porthole, starin' out at the waves rollin' by. He musta heard me come chargin' in, but he didn't turn around. 

Maybe he knew it was me. Maybe he just didn't care.

I knew what I was gonna say; it'd been spinnin' through my head ever since Nuriko told me, an' I just about ran the whole way here 'cause I needed so bad to say it.

_Why didn't you fucking _tell_ me? Shit, did ya think I wouldn't under_stand_ or somethin'? What the hell were you thinkin'? If I'd a' known, I wouldn't a' spent the last couple hours actin' like some insensitive bastard, treatin' ya like everything was fucking _great_ when really…when really you were dyin' inside._

_'Cause you lost them. All of them. Your dad. Your little brothers and sisters._

_Yuiren._

_Fuck, Tama, why didn't you tell me?_

The words sounded hurt an' betrayed in my head, an' even I hadda admit that that wasn't fair. I mean, shit, I hadn't told _anybody_ about what'd happened over the last week; the only way they got the abridged story at all was through Chichiri an' the little bits an' pieces Tama told 'em. I understood not wantin' people to feel sorry for ya, wantin' them to treat ya like normal so ya could start forgettin' about the baby-sized hole in your chest an' get on with yer fucking life, even if it just felt like a cheap imitation of the real thing. I _got_ that.

But why _me?_ Why just not tell _me_, when I was the only guy here who might actually have a fucking chance of _understanding?_

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Tama murmured, not turnin' around. "I know I… I should have."

_Damn right, you should have!_

But the words never made it past my lips, 'cause I felt my anger fadin' away at the sight of him standin' there, his arms crossed an' his back to me, lookin' so sad an' alone an'…broken. I remembered, suddenly, him talkin' about how he couldn't afford to let Miaka be his whole life, 'cause he had his family to look out for. I remembered the way his whole face seemed to glow when he talked about Yuiren, the way his eyes went all soft and happy when he told me that she was more like a daughter to him than a sister, that sometimes when the other kids weren't around she called him 'Papa'…

_I'm used to being strong for people_, he told me before. _Protecting them, being the older brother, the parent…_

Shit, was that what you were doin', Tama? Tryin' to protect me? Tryin' to keep me from findin' out about this 'cause you knew I was already hurting? 'Cause like all along, you were tryin' to be strong, tryin' to tough it out on your own?

Did you even have anybody to hold onto when you cried for them?

I didn't say anything. I just walked up behind him and, real gently, rested my hand on his shoulder. Tellin' him without words that it was okay, that he didn't hafta keep bein' strong all by himself. I was the one guy he didn't hafta be the big brother an' the parent to—'cause even if we weren't stuck out in the middle of nowhere with our lives depending on each other, we were still partners. Still equals.

An' I still loved him.

After a couple seconds, I heard his breathing get fast and kinda choked, an' I tightened my grip on his shoulder to anchor him, to give him somethin' to hold onto. Before too long, I felt his fingers clasp over mine, his whole body shaking with silent, shuddering sobs.

After awhile, they slowed and finally stopped, but I didn't move, and Tama didn't let go of my hand. Outside the porthole, the sea was smooth and calm, sparklin' in the sunlight like it was made outta diamonds instead a' water.

We watched it for a long time, thinkin' about our little girls, seein' their faces an' rememberin' what it felt like to hold them close an' feel happy and complete for awhile. Like we were part of somethin'. Like we were a family.

_You didn't lose all of them, Tama_, I thought, leaning forward just enough so our shoulders were touching, so I could feel him breathing against me.

_You still got one of us left.

* * *

_

owari.

_seiki no kyuuzou: "explosion of life force"_


End file.
